Brand New Start

Chapter 1

Guy wiped the sweat from his brow. He removed his straw hat and ran his hands through his equally sweaty hair. These last few days in August before the harvesting were always the hardest. Out here on the endless plains of Kansas there were no trees to shade a person from the scorching heat.

Guy recalled a time when his younger brother had invited him over to his house for a swim. It was more of a mansion than a house, really. He was a rich business man. And his pool certainly emphasized that. It was a huge, in ground structure that even included a waterfall. Guy wished he were there now.

But he quickly shook those thoughts out of his head. His brother invited him over all the time. But Guy figured he was just trying to rub his riches in Guy’s face. He knew that Guy couldn’t just up and leave the farm whenever. The soybean crop needed care. At this time of year, it needed watering. Twice a day, no exceptions.

The second watering was what Guy had just completed, and now he could finally go back to his humble quarters and relax. As he walked up the dusty, narrow path to his home, he reflected on his life. It wasn’t his fault he was like this. No one asks to be a poor farmer barely making enough money to feed himself.

Guy’s brother had just gotten lucky. He happened to be in the right place at the right time. Not everyone got to be that lucky. Guy’s father had been a farmer, as had his grandfather, and Guy felt certain his great grandfather had been one as well. And he was following the same pattern.

Though it was harder now for Guy than it had been for any of his ancestors. The horrible, dry conditions of the past few summers had continually produced small and shriveled soybean crops for Guy. He had to work extraordinarily hard to get any harvest at all.

But his brother hardly had to work at all. All he had to do was show up at a few board meetings and get paid by the millions. This frustrated Guy to no end. Why should some people do all the work and get so little of the credit?

He had almost reached his house when he noticed a car driving down the narrow country road. The road was a good quarter of a mile out and Guy could barely make out the car. But he saw the large cloud of dust that trailed behind it. He followed the cloud with his eyes until it took a sudden sharp turn and veered off the main road and onto the narrow road that led to Guy’s home, where Guy stood watching.

Now Guy looked back and could see the front of the car. It was red and shiny, even through the layer of dust that now caked it. Guy stopped in the middle of the road and turned around to face the car. He crossed his arms and frowned as the car slowly came to a stop.

One shiny door opened to reveal two shiny black shoes. Out of the car came a man, tall in stature and dressed in an expensive gray suit. He walked with an air of importance that made Guy want to recoil in disgust.

The man stopped mere inches from Guy. He crossed his arms and his poise mirrored that of Guy’s. Both stood there, arms crossed, sizing up the other, with chins held high and stares that could kill. The man’s well polished shoes nearly touched Guy’s muddy working boots.

“What’s your business here?” Guy said. He spit out the words like he would a foul tasting meal.

The man gave a sneer and turned up his nose. “I’ve invested quite a bit of cash in the soybean crop this season. And I was told that yours was the best crop around. So here I am.”

“Well I’m glad to hear about all the money you’ll be making off of me,” Guy shot back. “But I’m sure you could’ve just sent me a letter if you wanted to brag.”

“What I want,” the man snarled, leaning in even closer to Guy, “is to see how your crop is doing. I’m not going to take a bunch of hillbilly farmers’ words for it, including yours.”

Guy could feel his cheeks turning red. They always gave him away when he was angry. Not that he had been trying to hide that at all. He wanted to smack the man silly. But he knew that with a rich snob like this man it would probably result in a lawsuit instead of a harmless fist fight. And that was one thing he certainly didn’t want.

So he swallowed his pride and responded between clenched teeth. “Right this way,” he said.

The clean cut business man followed him back down the old dirt path and to the muddy rows of soybean plants. The man clearly didn’t appreciate all of the walking and all of the dirt and mud, and Guy couldn’t help but be pleased by this. He led him to the muddiest stretch of field and stopped.

It wasn’t really all that muddy, though. With the lack of rain as of late, mud was a rarity. But it still seemed to bother the man enough. He kept looking at his scuffed up shoes with distaste. Guy smiled smugly.

“Well, here is my crop. As you can see, they are grown in the ground, and they have stems and leaves and everything.” Sarcasm dripped from his voice like a leaky faucet.

“They’re awfully short,” the man said.

Guy laughed. “They’re soybeans, what do you expect? They only get to be three feet at the most. Maybe you should learn a little about your product before you invest in it.”

“I know enough to see that this crop is weak and without promise. If this is the best Kansas has to offer, I think I’ll take my business elsewhere next time.”

Guy couldn’t stand it anymore. His face was red hot with fury. This man was the most insulting, disrespectful human being he had ever come in contact with. He turned around and punched him square in his arrogant little face.



Chapter 2

Time seemed to crawl by at a snail’s pace as Guy brought his arm back towards his body and uncurled his tightly clenched fist. Pain screamed out from his knuckles, as if they were his mother telling him what a foolish boy he was being, picking a fight with the playground bully.

The man staggered back a little, but steadied himself. Blood trickled down from his nose. He wiped it away with his left hand and then smeared it on his crisp black pants. Guy opened his mouth in shock. He now suspected that this snobbish man was quite unlike all other businessmen he had ever known. His suspicions were confirmed when the man used his right hand to return Guy’s gesture.

His aim was true, and there was so much force in his fist that Guy was knocked to the ground. Of course, this was partially because a returned punch was the last thing Guy had anticipated from this man. But now, temporarily removing all stereotypes from his mind, Guy thought of nothing but the fight at hand.

He jumped back on his feet and swiftly punched the man in the stomach. He doubled over and fell. But he was tough. Guy had been taught by his father how to be strong and fight for himself. But even Guy could admit this man was tough. He could see it in his eyes as they fought.

And fight they did. The man managed to drag Guy back down to the ground to get him within a good distance for a return attack. His fist connected with Guy’s jaw and Guy felt the impact of it vibrate throughout his entire head. Blindly, he swung his own fist around and made contact with the man’s broad shoulder.

The fight continued for some time. By the time they had finally worn themselves out, it was near dusk. They’re bodies were bruised and aching, But neither of them had any serious injuries. They were both good fighters who fought a good battle. But now, lying on the muddy ground, they just looked at each other. Neither of them could really remember what the brawl had been about in the first place.

Guy wiped some blood dripping from his mouth and gave the man a little smirk. The man smirked right back with a bright twinkle in his deep green eyes.
Suddenly feeling awkward, Guy stood, but far too quickly.

He stumbled backwards and almost blacked out. He reminded himself that he wasn’t a teenager anymore. His body, while fit and muscular, still couldn’t handle nearly the same things as it had once been able to.

Still feeling uncomfortable, he habitually shifted his eyes around, something he always did when he was feeling out of sorts. Tentatively, he reached out his hand to help the man up off the ground where he still lay. But he grunted in refusal and slowly lifted himself up to a standing position without assistance.

“Well, well, well,” the man said. “You fight well, I must admit. I don’t know where you learned some of those moves way out here, but they are impressive.”

“My dad taught me,” Guy replied coolly. He was slowly remembering why he had punched the man in the first place.

“Oh. Sorry, I just didn’t know. I was curious.”

Guy shrugged, not really desiring a conversation. He just wanted to go home and crawl into bed and pray he wouldn’t be too sore to work tomorrow.

“I may not look it, but I do enjoy a good fight. And I think you’ve seen that I can hold my own pretty nicely, although you were a worthy opponent.”

“Well…thanks,” Guy mumbled. He wasn’t accustomed to having real conversations with others. It’s not as if the soybean fields were brimming with people eager for a chat. The only time Guy ever had any contact with other humans was during his monthly trips to town, or when his brother called to invite him to do things he well knew Guy couldn’t participate in.

“My name is James.”

“Why are you telling me that?”

“I’d like it if we could see each other as equals. Just people with names and faces and lives.”

“That’s a different tune than you were singing before,” Guy remarked, pulling out a cigarette from the back pocket of his jeans and lighting up.

“Did you ever consider that I might be just as awkward around other people as you are?” He shot Guy a hard stare and Guy turned away to avoid it.

There was no point in denying it. But he still tried anyways. “What makes you think that?” he questioned harshly.

James just laughed. “I can tell by your rude greeting just how you are with others. I am the same way. Which is why I responded back just as rudely. The only way people like us know how to communicate is with harsh words and senseless violence.”

Guy surprised himself by chuckling. This James was quite the character, he thought. “Maybe that is true. But I know there’s one thing that makes us different. Our lifestyles. Habits too. You’re no smoker, I’ll guess. I bet you’ve never even gotten near a cigarette.”

“Not a smoker? Are you kidding? I go through two packs a day.”

“Really?” Guy was honestly shocked. He just couldn’t believe that this man from such a high class society would smoke cigarettes.

“Sure. It’s the only thing that gets me through each day. I’m under a lot of stress from a lot of people. Cigarettes keep me sane.”

Guy pulled out another one from his pocket, lit it, and then handed it to James. “Here…calm your nerves. You talk too damn much.”

James laughed and took a long drag on the cigarette.

“Don’t people look down on things like that where you come from?”

“Absolutely,” James replied, grinning.

“Well,” Guy said awkwardly, “I’m Guy. Want a beer?”

“Sure, I’d love one. It’s fucking hot out here.”

“Yeah…it is,” Guy replied absentmindedly. He kept thinking how different James was from all the other rich people he had ever known. And now he was reluctantly beginning to question his long held beliefs on the human race.



Chapter 3

“So this is really your life, huh?” James leaned back in the old armchair which sat in the main room and took a long drink from his bottle. It was dark inside the house. The only light came from the adjoining kitchen, where Guy stood leaning against the counter.

He was afraid to get any closer than the thirty feet or so between them. He didn’t know how to act around people. It had been so long since he’d been around anyone. And people around his own age were always particularly frightening to him.

As odd as it sounded, he didn’t know how to relate to them. And if he was being honest with himself, they intimidated him. What conversational piece did he have to offer them? The ideal growing conditions for soybeans? And James was particularly intimidating. He was successful.

Guy thought James would be bored with anything he said. Surely his upper class business life full of money and parties and probably women would make a far more interesting tale.

“Yes,” Guy responded carefully, after a long pause. “This is my life, I suppose.” He paused for another long moment. “Why do you sound so surprised?” he added.

“Because it’s so much more similar to my own life than I ever would have expected it to be.”

Guy laughed and the sound, while musical, held a slight hint of scorn. “How’s that?”

“All day you’re under a great deal of stress and then all you have to return to at the end of the day is a comfortable armchair in a lonely house.”

Guy thought about denying it all. He thought he could easily lie to this man, tell him he was happy and just fine. But he didn’t know what it was, maybe the alcohol, but he didn’t much care that this stranger was analyzing him, and doing a good job of it too.

And he couldn’t help but note the word “lonely” in what James had said. “You don’t have anyone to come home to, either? I don’t believe that. You’re powerful, successful, everything a woman wants, right?”

James scoffed. His dark eyes got even darker. “Yeah, I guess I am. But maybe they’re not everything I want. Or anything I want for that matter.” But he mumbled the last part, and Guy didn’t hear.

“Never found the right one then?”

“Nope.”

There was a low rumble in the distance. Guy lazily lifted his head up and uncrossed his arms. “A storm’s coming,” he said.

As if on cue, there was a flash of lighting followed by another rumble of thunder, this one much louder. James shifted position in the chair and grinned like a little boy. “It’s been a long time since I’ve gotten to enjoy a good Kansas thunderstorm.”

“Then you’re in luck, because I sense this is going to be a big one.” He turned his nose up and sniffed at the air. “It sure does smell like rain.”

James shot Guy a quizzical look. His eyes lightened and laughed at Guy playfully. “I wasn’t aware rain had a smell.”

“Well, a city boy like you wouldn’t know,” Guy joked. James laughed heartily. Guy admired his lack of sensitivity towards innocent jokes. He had a tendency to take playful little jabs too seriously, and he knew it.

James seemed to have started realizing that too, because he didn’t have any smart replies referring to Guy’s country-born nature. He just sat there, his beer cupped between his two hands, with his eyes laughing and dancing until Guy felt as though he was caught up in some sort of trance.

He quickly turned his head away from James’ gaze. He closed his eyes. He prayed for rain. And the heavens happened to be listening. There was a sudden whooshing noise, and all of a sudden Guy could hear the pattering of raindrops beating furiously against the roof.

Guy turned around to look out the small glass pained window above the kitchen sink. He stared intently at the rainfall. He hoped it wouldn’t last too long. The soybeans might get damaged. He heard a slight creak, and then a light padding on the tiled floor. Then James' head was next to his, looking out the window.

Guy felt like his stomach was going to jump out of his body. His heart stopped and he didn’t dare breathe. He knew he was acting ridiculously. But it had just been so long since he had been in the same room as anyone else, much less mere inches apart.

He took a step back and tried to regain some normalcy. “Shouldn’t you be getting back now? It’s getting kind of late.” He hadn’t meant for it to sound rude but the words just spilled out. He couldn’t help it, he was antisocial by nature and lately he had been taking every precaution he could to keep away from all human contact. But James didn't seem to be affected at all.

He just stared intently at the heavy rain. Then he said "I could go, if you want me too. But I am not sure how I'll make it back. I wouldn't be able to see a single thing. I'd probably just end up in a ditch somewhere."

Guy had an urge to reply "probably" and then send him on his way. But he knew that wouldn't be right. And he had already been through quite a bit with James. A little more time wouldn't make much difference, even to someone like Guy.

"Stay the night," he told James.

James turned to him and his eyes smiled in a special way that made Guy feel like he needed to stare. "Thanks. I do appreciate it." His eyebrows suddenly knitted together in a frown. "Oh dear. I just remembered that I left the top down on my convertible."

Guy tried to look as horrified as possible. Surely this was a big deal. It had looked like an expensive car. And now Guy felt bad for starting the fight and inviting James into his home in the first place. But James didn’t seem to mind at all. In fact, when he looked at Guy’s expression he laughed loudly.

“Don’t look so stricken. I was kidding. I don’t give a shit what happens to that car.”

“But…..isn’t it…valuable or something?”

James laughed even louder, and nearly doubled over with the effort. “Maybe to some people. But not to me.”

He took a deep breath to calm down, then spoke in a much more subdued tone. “Listen, Guy. I have about as much interest in cars as you do. We are so much more alike than you think. In fact, you’d probably be shocked to hear how my life was growing up.”

“I’m sure you were well-off,” Guy responded nonchalantly.

“That’s where you’re wrong,” James replied. “I will tell you a little thing or two about my life.” His dark eyes shone brightly and, leaning against the counter beside Guy, he began to tell his story.



Chapter 4

“I grew up as the third of eight children. All of us along with my parents lived in a tiny little apartment in the heart of the worst part of Kansas City. We had nothing but the necessities. Sometimes we didn’t even have that.”

Guy nodded, understanding well the feeling of have nothing but basic provisions in his own home. James didn’t even notice the movement. He was too caught up in his tale. His eyes shone brightly and he moved his arms around in an animated way as he spoke.

Guy found it difficult to focus on James’ actual words when all of those exaggerated moments were capturing his eye. But when James began to speak about his father Guy found his hearing again and listened closely to every word.

“My father was a good man, though. He took care of our needs. He was a businessman. He always told us that someday he would make it big in the business world. He never did. He died as poor as he had been the day he was born. But yet, he died with satisfaction.”

James paused for a moment and looked out the window, reminiscing about old times. Guy wanted to say something. He thought he might want to tell James that he was right, they really were similar, that even their fathers were similar. Because this story was reminding him quite clearly of his own father.

But he didn’t want to dim the enthusiasm and passion of James. He seemed to be a natural storyteller. Guy knew he could never speak like that. So he kept his mouth closed and waited for James to continue.

“He always taught my siblings and me the importance of trying our best. He told us if we did, we would be successful in life. All of my siblings and I followed these guidelines religiously. We all had an enormous amount of respect for our father. But I was the only one who gained much out of it. Or so everyone says.”

He paused to look Guy in the eyes, as if to say that this was the most important part of the narrative. Guy looked at him briefly and noticed the fiery passion in his expression. And then Guy felt he knew what was coming next. Because he felt the same passion when thinking of his own ideals.

“Basically what happened is I got lucky. I made a good investment at the right time and before I knew it I was basically a millionaire. I got myself a nice house and some nice cars and a bunch of useless gadgets I told myself I was doing it because it would make my father proud. But I knew he would be proud of me no matter what I did. And then I realized how unhappy I was living like that.”

“How could you be unhappy?” Guy questioned. He hadn’t meant to say anything but the question just came out.

James shot him an incredulous look. “Guy you know as well as I do that a bunch of material possessions won’t make you happy. I can tell that you would be miserable without work to do. And that is what I missed out on. I felt like I was doing nothing and getting everything in return. So now…..”

He drifted off for a moment, thinking of the right thing to say. “Now,” he continued, “I simply don’t care. I let my things fall into disrepair. I ignore the invitations I get to fancy high lass parties. I leave my open convertible out in the rain.” He winked and Guy laughed.

“So you see, we are incredibly similar to each other. Both of us want to work for a living, and we know what truly matters in this crazy world.” He gave Guy a long stare. “You are the first person I have met in all my years of being wealthy who understands what true value is.”

Guy gave James an awkward little smile. He rubbed the back of his head nervously. He didn’t know what to say. It almost sounded like James held some sort of admiration for him. Guy didn’t think that could possibly be the case. He was just a lowly worker. He was a loner. He purposely hid from people. What could be admirable about that?

James was still staring at Guy. His dark eyes flashed as he thought of something new to say. “Let me tell you a little secret. I didn’t come down here because I care about my stupid fucking investment in soybeans. I drove all the way out to the middle of nowhere because I was hoping that I might find someone who shared my principles. Someone I could talk to, someone I found interesting. And guess what? I did. I am talking to him right now.”

Guy blushed a little despite himself. He averted his eyes from James’ gaze and stared at the floor. This was too much. James really did admire him. It seemed impossible. It was impossible. But somehow, it was true.

James never seemed to mind Guy’s silence. He continued right on. “My dad always said that average, everyday workers were the heart of this country. And now I am realizing just how true that is. Seeing the way you carry yourself, hearing the way you talk, taking in the conditions which you live under, it all combines to accredit that statement my father made so often.”

Guy felt overwhelmed by all of this. Here there was this prominent businessman in a more than nice suit, albeit now a bit stained with blood and dirt, telling him that he was admirable. Maybe not in those exact words, but it was the general impression Guy got from all of it.

Not knowing what to do, he just looked back up at James and smiled. He hoped it was an appreciative smile, and that it didn’t look too fake. He wasn’t accustomed to smiling; it had been a while since he had smiled at all. But James smiled back, so he figured he must be doing it right.

Feeling awkward once more after a few seconds of that, Guy turned back to the window. The storm was picking up. It was raining even harder than before. There was a blinding flash of lightning. The contrasting light against the darkness of the sky made Guy realize how late it was getting. Thunder boomed loudly. Guy decided it was late enough for sleeping.

“Listen….I’ll take the couch and you can have my bed, okay?”

James smiled. He seemed to know that Guy was grateful for his words of admiration, though Guy never said anything about it. “No way, I am the guest here. I will take the couch.”

“No,” Guy responded firmly. “I want to sleep on the couch.”

“Okay fine, have it your way,” James relented. “See you in the morning, then.” He winked again.

Guy sighed with relief. He was thankful James didn’t know the real reason for his aversion to sleeping in his own bed.


Chapter 5

“It’s the third room on the left,” Guy called out as James turned the corner and headed down the narrow hall. He then sat on the all too familiar couch which had been his bed for months now. He started to lay his head down but sat up again as he felt a pang of guilt.

He couldn’t leave his guest without some provisions. He didn’t know what the bed had now. It probably didn’t have a decent blanket or even any pillows. He hadn’t slept there for so long it was hard to remember just what was there. He hadn’t even stepped into the actual room in weeks.

So he stood up to check on James. He turned down the hallway and stopped dead in his tracks. The third door on the left was open, and James stood there, his hand on the doorknob, looking in. Guy didn’t know what to do. He never suspected this might happen. So he lashed out.

“What do you think you’re doing!?” he growled. “I thought I told you it was the third room on the left.”

“But...I thought it was the third room…but then when I looked inside it didn’t seem right so I got confused….I’m sorry.”

He looked genuinely apologetic, even though he couldn’t possibly have known what it was he had done to produce such a harsh reaction from Guy. He immediately removed his hand from the doorknob, his face full of shame.

Seeing his expression, Guy realized how ridiculous he was being. He grabbed James’ hand abruptly. “Listen,” he blurted out, “don’t be sorry. It’s my fault. I should have warned you, the first door doesn’t lead to a room. It’s just a closet.”

“Oh, I see. Well, I’m sorry for the trouble regardless.” James pointed to the next door. “So it’s this one then?”

Guy nodded. He considered leaving it like that, no further explanations. But when James started to leave he got this feeling that he should tell him something more. He followed him into the room and stood in the doorway.

He watched James’ tall frame standing erect for a moment, just looking around. Then he saw him sit on the edge of the bed, a small smile playing on the corners of his lips as he admired the craftsmanship of the headboard. Then Guy knew for sure that James deserved the full truth.

He leaned against the door frame with his arms crossed, not quite knowing how to begin. He didn’t have any exciting opening words to make his story seem interesting. He didn’t know where to start. So he just told it like it was.

“There’s a reason I wanted to sleep on the couch.”

James turned his head towards the sound of Guy’s voice and his eyes lit up when he saw him standing there. The smile got a little more noticeable.

“I’ve been sleeping there for months now. Because I couldn’t bear to sleep in here, in that bed.” He nodded to it with disdain. “I was married once. It was young love. Perhaps we rushed into it. Maybe it wasn’t the right decision for her. But I loved her, very much.”

He entered the room and sat beside James on the bed. He put his hands on his knees and let the words flow off his tongue. He wasn't sure why he was offering these personal details of his life to this stranger, but he didn't care, because he realized that it felt good to talk about it. “We had a kid together. A little boy named Malcolm. He’s six years old now, and seven soon.”

“So that’s the room I saw,” James said quietly.

“Yes, that is it. It hasn’t been used in a while though. Not since my wife left me.”

James’ eyes grew wide. He couldn’t fathom why anyone would leave such an astounding man. “What happened?” he inquired curiously. “Why on earth would she do that?”

Guy chuckled at his impatience. “I was getting to that.”

“Sorry, sorry,” James replied. “Go on.”

“I wasn’t successful enough for her. The harvestable crop had been lessening every year, and last year, a little before she left, there had hardly been one at all. We just barely scraped by on my earnings.”

James sighed almost as if he was annoyed. “Of course. Success means the world, doesn’t it?” His tone was surprisingly bitter, even to James himself. But the thought of Guy suffering this way just because of some financial difficulties stirred up some long buried anger inside him.

"It wasn’t like that. She had every right to be upset. I couldn’t provide her what she needed. So one day she packed up her and Malcolm’s things, left a note on the table, and left. I haven’t spoken with either her or Malcolm since.”

“How long did you say it’s been?” James asked.

“About six months now. Divorced for two. I remember the day I got those papers in the mail. I guess I had kind of thought she would come back at some point. But when I read the letter I finally accepted the reality.”

For a moment he paused, finding the next part extremely difficult to say.

“But there was more than divorce papers in that envelope. There was another paper too, stating that my wife had been granted full custody of Malcolm. The letter said I hadn’t showed up for the court hearing. Allegedly, my wife told me about the hearing. But I never knew anything of it until I got that letter.”

“I’m sorry,” James said. “That is a terrible thing. No one should have to go through that.”

Guy stared off into space. “That’s why I am trying so hard this season. I need to produce good crops. I’ve got to make a decent income. I want to get Malcolm back. I at least want partial custody. I have to prove to a judge that I am a responsible father.”

James looked at Guy with large, sympathetic eyes. “I can tell you are a very good father, and a good husband. Anyone who can’t see that, well, they are honestly just complete bastards. I don’t mean to be so blunt, but in just a few hours with you I can see the kind of person you are. You’re honest, hardworking, and loyal. Those are great qualities.”

“Thank you,” Guy whispered. “You know…I don’t think I realized until now how much anger I have built up inside towards Julie, that’s her name. My wife…well ex-wife now.” He glanced forlornly up at the headboard. “I built this bed you know. It took me hours. I made it as a wedding gift. It was all I could afford.”

James’ eyes registered understanding. “So that’s what those initials on the headboard stand for. That ‘J & G.’ ”

“Yeah.”

“Damn,” James joked. “I was hoping it stood for James and Guy.”

Guy laughed heartily. “Sorry, you’re out of luck there.”

“Yes, I really am,” James replied. He looked into Guy’s large brown eyes and wished Guy could hear the underlying meaning of his words.



Chapter 6

The end of Guy’s story brought about a long but not unpleasant silence. Both men sat side by side and listened to the rain hitting the roof with tremendous force. Flashes of lightning would light up the dark of the night with white hot intensity. Thunder roared every so often.

Guy didn’t mind any of this. He actually enjoyed it. Thunderstorms were magnificent things to watch. But once the wind began to pick up, a nervous energy bubbled up inside him. The soybeans wouldn’t be able to stand too many strong gusts.

And when the windowpanes began to rattle and the house began to creak with the intensity of the wind, Guy began to feel very worried. He nearly jumped clean into the air when he felt one of James’ hands rest on his left knee.

“You’re shaking,” he noted with concern. “I can feel it from here. What’s wrong?”

Guy noticed with surprise that he was indeed shaking. His trembling hands made it seem as though he had just ingested about a gallon of caffeine or sugar. And he had unconsciously been tapping his feet against the side of the bed frame.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t even realize.”

He tried to laugh it off. But James was clearly not fooled. He stared into Guy’s troubled brown eyes. “Do your eyes always change colors when you are upset?” he asked thoughtfully.

“Um….I don’t know,” Guy replied. “I never knew they did at all. Nobody ever told me. I guess no one noticed?”

James scoffed. “No one ever paid you enough interest to notice. All it takes is an observant eye. And not even a very observant one. The change is obvious.”

“Oh?” Guy inquired, delicately raising one eyebrow in a silent challenge.

“Yes,” James replied, sounding sure. “Your eyes turn at least two shades lighter when you are distressed about something.”

“Lighter? That’s odd. I never would have guessed that.” An idea came to him.

“Does that mean I am easy to read?” he asked.

“Absolutely,” James replied with a smirk.

“Damn,” Guy remarked. “And all this time I thought I was fooling people.”

“Oh I’m sure you were,” responded James seriously. “I’ll bet nobody ever paid attention long enough to notice.” He looked right into Guy’s eyes. “But you can’t fool me. Your eyes are much lighter now and they make you look lost and innocent. Which is why I inferred you must be worried or distressed.”

“Wow….that’s impressive. You’ve got a good read on people.”

James just shrugged. “All you have to do is pay attention.”

“Your eyes change colors too, you know,” Guy told him suddenly. “When you are deep in thought they get darker, more mysterious. And when you are eager to say something they flash a few shades lighter. It’s quite entertaining to just watch your eyes as you say and do different things.”

Guy blushed a little, recognizing what an odd thing that was to say to someone. He hoped it hadn’t sounded too weird. He couldn’t read the expression on James’ face and it made him even more nervous to add to his already present uneasiness about the storm.

“Why don’t you tell me another story?” James suggested.

“No…I don’t think so,” Guy replied timidly. “I don’t have anything interesting to say, really.”

“Oh come on,” James encouraged, “I know you’re not boring.”

Guy shifted nervously on the bed. He swung his legs and tapped his hands lightly on his knees. He hummed a little tune without even realizing he was doing it. It was some old song his dad used to listen too.

James smiled at this. He put his hand on Guy’s shoulder. “You’re shaking again,” he told him kindly.

“I’m sorry,” Guy replied. “I am just worried about how my crops will fare in the storm. It’s getting worse and worse out there.”

James gave him a sympathetic look. “I know how much that means to you. But this is Kansas. There are storms all of the time. I bet there have already been at least twenty this season. And your soybeans survived all of them just fine didn’t they?”

“Yes….I suppose that is true,” Guy admitted. “But I just can’t help worrying.” He smiled sheepishly. “The soybeans are almost like my children, for how much time and care I give them.”

James looked at Guy for a long time and his eyes lightened like he wanted to say something very important. Guy found the intense stare very awkward and quickly turned his head away. He really wondered what James could be thinking when he looked at him like that.

Finally James spoke, though Guy could tell it wasn’t what he really wanted to say. “That’s why I said you should tell me a story. It would take your mind off of all of your troubles for a while. You can’t change the weather so you might as well find a way to deal with it.”

“I don’t know…”

“And besides,” James added, “I like the sound of your voice.”

Guy felt his cheeks getting warm yet again. He thought it was a very kind, though strange, thing to say.

“Okay,” he finally relented, “I will tell you a story.” He frowned. “But I don’t know what to talk about.”

“Just tell me about your life.”

“What about it?”

“Anything…..everything. Start from the beginning.”

Guy looked skeptical. “Are you sure you want to hear this?”

“I haven’t been more sure of anything in a very long time,” James said truthfully.

“Okay….if you insist. I will start from the very beginning.”

And he did. He told James all about is life growing up. He talked about meeting Julie and about Malcolm and owning the farm. He talked and talked until he was startled by a sudden force hitting his legs.

James’s head was resting on them. He was fast asleep. “He must have fallen asleep sitting up,” Guy said to himself. “See, I told you I was boring,” he whispered to James. “I put you to sleep.” He chuckled quietly.

He didn’t know what to do now. He didn’t want to wake James. He looked down at him. He thought he looked so peaceful and serene while asleep. But somehow he still looked as confident and as ever.

Guy was suddenly struck with an odd feeling that he wasn’t sure what to do with. Thunder boomed loudly from somewhere very close by and James twitched a little on Guy’s lap. Guy surprised himself by reaching down to stroke James’ hair.

He ran his fingers through the dark black curls. Suddenly all his worries seemed to dissipate and there was no place he would rather be than right there.



Chapter 7

Wide awake, Guy didn’t know what he should do. There were things he wanted to do which he knew he shouldn’t and he was shocked at himself for even thinking them. But then again, he wasn’t. James was special and Guy knew it, ever since their fight.

He slowly leaned forward and stretched his arm out to the bedside table, switching on an old battery powered radio sitting there. The last time he had used it was when he was still with Julie. She never liked storms, and he used to use it to make her feel calm.

The slightly worn and scratchy sound that the radio produced as it sent quiet streams of music out through its speakers pleased Guy. It reminded him of his ancient record player. And for reasons he couldn’t explain, it made him think of James too.

A very strong gust of wind rushed up with a sudden powerful and violent energy. It made the radio’s connection fuzzy and barely audible. And when it cleared up again it wasn’t playing music any more.

It was a weather report, and not a good one by the sound of it. Guy focused on the actual words. He could still only get bits and pieces of what was being said. But he heard the words tornado and high force winds and he heard the warning to take shelter.

He jumped off the bed abruptly and went to look out the window. James’s head hit the bed and his eyes flew open in surprise. For a moment he just watched as Guy crossed his arms and worriedly tapped his foot as he gazed at the night sky.

“What’s wrong?” he inquired.

Startled, Guy whirled around. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I didn’t mean to wake you. It is just that this weather is getting worse and worse by the moment.”

“You really think it’s serious, don’t you?”

“…..Yes,” replied Guy solemnly after some time.

“I could tell. You have this particular frown on your face, and you are pursing your lips so that they are barely even visible anymore.”

“I don’t want you to worry,” Guy told him. “Go back to sleep. I will just stand and watch how things look outside for a while.”

James shrugged. “If it is what you want.” He laid down on his back and closed his eyes with his hands behind his head.

Guy smiled a little bit at the sight and wished he could be more carefree. He wanted to join him on the bed but instead he turned back to the window. It was a good thing he did though, because it allowed him to see the dark shape of a funnel begin to form. He ran to the bed and grabbed one of James’s hands from behind his head, pulling him up. “Get up!” he ordered.

“What’s wrong?”

“We have to go now.”

“Wha….why?” James was struck by Guy’s harsh tone and knew it must be very serious.

“There is a tornado coming,” Guy said quietly.

James stared at him with wide eyes. He didn’t move and didn’t speak.
Frustrated by his lack of reaction, Guy jerked him off the bed by his arm and pulled him out of the room and down the hall. “Do I have to drag you all the way or are you just going to come willingly?” he inquired sarcastically.

“Where are we going?”

“To the storm cellar. But we have to hurry. Follow me close behind.” He stared at him for a brief moment and their eyes met. "Actually," he said softly, “just take my hand and we will run together.”

“Okay,” James said.

The rain was still coming down and the addition of the wind made the visibility limited at best. But Guy knew which way to go. This had happened to him more than a few times before. He lived in Kansas, after all.

Stealthily he led James through the fields until he reached the small triangle rising out of the earth, the entrance to the storm shelter. He yanked on it hard, but the force of the winds made opening it impossible.

Just when he was feeling helpless James shouted out to him. “You take one handle I will take the other,” he told Guy. “Together we should be able to open it.”

James yelled out a count of three, and using all of their strength they managed to open it and rush inside. Guy went in first, followed by James. Guy then turned and pulled the doors shut, locking them with a padlock which hung from one of the handles on the door.

Then felt around until he felt the small shelf he had built into the side of the shelter, which housed a flashlight. He grabbed it with one hand, and grabbed James’ hand in the other. Guy then cautiously allowed the small orb of light the flashlight gave off to guide his and James’s feet down the creaky wooden stairs to the safety at the bottom of the shelter.

It was a small space, maybe 10 by 10 feet at the most. But it had never been a problem before, since Guy had only ever had Julie and Malcolm to share it with. And now it was even less crowded, with only James there.

Actually, Guy found himself feeling very lonely in the space. He had turned off the flashlight to conserve its battery power and it seemed as though the darkness stretched on and on for miles. He shivered.

And suddenly James was right next to him. Guy could feel the warmth of his breath on his face. And he could clearly smell the small dab of cologne he must have put on that morning.

“You know we will be safe here,” he whispered into Guy’s ear. Guy shivered again, though now it had nothing to do with the intimidating darkness.

“I do know that,” Guy told him. “But I still worry.” Guy swore he could see James smile, even in the dark.

“Come here,” James said. He sat down and pulled on Guy’s arm, urging him to join him on the cool earthen floor. Guy willingly complied and sat beside James. Without any warning, James slipped one arm around Guy’s waist and pulled him close.

Instantly Guy felt safe and secure. He felt warm and complete. He could hear the rushing sound of a tornado on the ground. The doors of the shelter creaked and groaned. But Guy wasn’t worried. He slipped his own arm around James’s waist and they huddled close together, sharing each other’s warmth as the storm raged above them.

“You know,” James admitted, “I never was asleep. I just wanted to see how you would react.”

“I think…..” Guy told him after some thought, “ that I would like to see how you react to this.” Then he leaned in closer and kissed him in the dark.



Chapter 8

After only a couple of seconds Guy pulled away. He couldn’t believe what he had just done. But what truly surprised him was that he was glad he did it. James grabbed his hand and pulled him closer again.

“Hey, that’s not fair,” he whined softly, “You won’t be able to see my reaction from way over there.” Then he wrapped his arms around Guy and kissed him back, for a much longer time period.

Finally he pulled away for some air. But not too far away. His body still brushed against Guy’s and they could still feel each other’s warmth. “You don’t know how long I have wanted to do that,” James told him, resting his hand lightly on Guy’s leg.

Guy chuckled. “You have barely known me half a day.”

“Yes, and I have wanted to kiss you ever since I got out of my car.”

“I haven’t been attracted to anyone since Julie left.”

“You haven’t had human contact with anyone since she left though, have you?”

“I suppose that is true,” Guy replied, smiling.

“Hey, it’s alright. I haven’t been attracted to anyone in a long time. And no one has ever come along whom I have wanted more than I want you.”

Guy blushed deeply and was glad for the dark so that James wouldn’t see. “Have you ever liked a guy before?”

“No. Have you?”

“Nope.”

“Good. Then we can explore this new thing together.”

Guy was silent for a long time. He didn’t want to believe what James was implying with his words. “You’re not actually going to stay here, are you?”

“Not if you don’t want me too,” James said, sounding hurt.

“No, I do…I….I think it would be lovely if you stayed. But why would you want to? There’s nothing for you here. Why give it all up for some silly little romance?”

“First of all, I don’t think it’s silly, or little. It’s certainly not a little attraction. And I don’t see this as some short, meaningless fling. I am done with that shit. I’ve had quite enough of those kinds of ‘relationships’. You are special. I can see that. I knew it ever since our eyes first met.”

Guy cut him off. “I think you are special too. I’ll admit I wasn’t exactly thrilled with your presence at first. But after that little fight we had, something just changed.” He paused for a bit. “But I still can’t picture you giving all of that up.”

“Why not?” James replied, angrily. “I’ve told you already, I don’t care about my mansion or my car or whatever the fuck else people say I should be appreciative of.” He moved his hand to squeeze Guy’s arm. “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be harsh.”

In response Guy moved in a bit closer and rested his head on James’ shoulder. It felt a little bit weird. He hadn’t been like this with anyone in so long. But it felt nice. He had forgotten what it felt like to be close to someone. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “I understand.”

James let out a little laugh. “You know, it’s funny. I have all these things. More than I can count. More than I can even remember. But yet the only thing I want is something I don’t have.”

Guy was silent after that. He didn’t know what to say. He wanted to tell James that he could have him any day, but he was scared. Over the past few months love and anything relating to it had become such a foreign concept to him.
He was scared because he could tell he would indeed love James someday. It was inevitable, with the way he was and how he made Guy feel. Guy didn’t know if he could handle those feelings again.

“I think the storm is over,” James said. He always seemed to know when Guy felt uncomfortable speaking. And what amazed Guy was that James was fine with that. Even though he had basically just poured his heart out to Guy, he was content to let him sit there without saying a word.

“Yeah,” Guy replied weakly. It was true, the storm was over. Guy could hear nothing from above. He slowly stood up and tired to stretch in the cramped space. He picked up the flashlight and switched it on. “Come on,” he said, pulling James up and leading the way out of the shelter.

Guy was surprised to see small bits of daylight peaking over the horizon line and hitting his home at various angles. He had no idea they had been down there for that long. The various colors slowly moving up in the sky gave him a warm feeling inside. This was the first time in a long time in which he felt the dawning of a new day was something to look forward to.

But once his eyes wandered to the fields that feeling disappeared as quickly as it had arrived. All of his crops were destroyed. The field was in a state of complete devastation. His hand shook. His legs shook. He felt dizzy.

“I’ve got you,” James whispered in his ear, grabbing him just before he fell over.

Guy turned to look at James with painfully sad eyes. “The tornado must have passed right through here.”

James squeezed him tightly. “But you should feel lucky. Your house is still standing,” he said, trying to coax Guy out of his obvious state of shock.

Angrily, Guy shoved him away. “How could you even say that!? I don’t care about my house…it is just a ridiculous possession. I could build a new one. I could live out in the open. But I can’t grow a new crop. And without that, I won’t have an income. And without an income, I won’t have Malcolm. You of all people should understand about what’s important! You’ve been preaching about it all night long!”

“I’m sorry,” James replied, not knowing what else to say or do.

“I think you should probably go now,” Guy told him.

James tried to hide the pain in his voice. “Okay,” he said. “One again, I am very sorry.”

“Just leave. Please.” Guy turned away, missing James’ nod in reply.

James turned on his heels and began to walk towards his car, which was somehow left untouched by the storm with the exception of the wet interior. But he turned his head briefly to catch a glimpse of Guy just one more time. Just one more look at what he would never have.

James didn’t see Guy look back too, just after he had turned his own head away. But what he did see was somewhat of a miracle. When he got into his car, he noticed something quite special under the passenger seat. And then he knew what he had to do. He was going to get what he truly wanted, just once.



Chapter 9

Quickly James reached down and picked up the flat, square object. He stared at it for a while, liking the way it felt in his hands. He had completely forgotten he had this. He hadn’t used it in a long time. Actually, he had meant to take it to a pawn shop a while back. Now he was glad he didn’t.

Carefully he slipped his fingers inside the slot on one side of it and pulled out the circular record inside. It was black and very shiny as if it were brand new. In reality, it was quite old.

It had once been his mother’s. She used to play it all the time as she worked in the kitchen. And when she wasn’t playing it on the family’s old fashioned record player, she was humming it. And after the record player met its final hour, she would take up singing it.

James remembered the sound of his mother’s voice with fondness. She had always had a nice voice. He gently slipped the record back inside the square case, a small smile sneaking onto his face.

The record reminded him of humble living and hard working. It reminded him of small but animated dinners, everyone at the table talking and laughing and joking and unknowingly depicting the tight knit family most people could only dream of.

And now when he thought of those things, he was reminded that he wanted all of that with Guy. He wanted to have that kind of life with him. He needed it. The mere thought of driving back home all alone made him nauseous.

Now more motivated than ever, James got out of the car with a fire burning in his eyes, heart, soul, and whatever other stupid and corny thing he could think up in his head. He marched up the dirt road and to Guy’s front door. He knocked loudly in a way that said “you had better open this door or I will kick it in myself”.

Guy opened with an expression of extreme shock on his face. “James……I thought you left…” He didn’t make it sound like he had wanted James to leave. It was probably because he didn’t.

Guy had tried his best to hide his joy at James’ return. But James saw through it, and Guy knew that he did. He had kind of expected it, even hoped for it.
It would be easier on Guy if he didn’t actually have to state his feelings. He had never been very good at that. So he was quite relieved when he noticed James’ mouth turn up into a small smile.

“I couldn’t leave Guy, I’m sorry. At least not until I have played this.” He held up the record which had been tucked neatly under his arm. “Do you happen to have a record player?”

Guy’s eyes lit up. He couldn’t help it. He had always loved music. “Of course I do,” he replied with an almost child-like excitement. “It is right this way.”

He led James inside and to a corner in the main room where the old record player stood proudly. He watched suspiciously as James gingerly took out the shiny record and put it on the player.

Although he was naturally attracted to the record simply because it played music of some sort, he was apprehensive about what might be on it. He was both afraid and eager to listen to what James wanted hear.

Very gently, James set the needle down. Guy smiled a little at the cautious way he did this, realizing that James was obviously quite familiar with how these things worked. Then the music began to play and Guy sat down on the floor to listen.

James sat beside him as the music slowly got louder. To Guy’s ears, it sounded foreign. And he became sure of it once he heard the voice. It was a man’s voice, singing strange words with a thick accent that Guy guessed was Spanish. After about a minute or so, Guy recognized that the words were indeed in Spanish.

“You can understand Spanish?” Guy questioned.

James smiled widely and his eyes shone. “I can speak it too. My mother is Spanish. She was raised in Spain until she was a teenager, when she moved here to follow my father who she had met while he was visiting as a tourist. It was the only vacation he had ever been able to afford to take.”

“This song….it sounds very beautiful,” Guy said quietly. “But what does it mean?”

James smiled even wider. “I was hoping you would ask that.”

He stared up at the ceiling a moment, collecting his thoughts and deciding on the best way to summarize the song. “This is a song about trials, and overcoming them. It is a song about pain and love. But most of all, it is a song about new beginnings.”

“How do I know you are telling the truth?” Guy teased.

“Translate the lyrics for yourself then, and see if I am lying.” His eyes sparkled and shone with life. He winked playfully and Guy found himself grinning as a result. Then James began to quietly sing along with the man’s voice.

Guy inched closer to him. He realized that every moment James was in his house things just felt right, like he was supposed to be there. It was almost as if James had been there as long as Guy had. That was, at least, what it had felt like to Guy as he watched James leave.

And now he somehow wanted to convey to James these thoughts he was having. But the right words seemed so difficult to find. “Your singing voice is lovely, you know.”

“Oh…I didn’t even realize I was singing out loud.” James fidgeted in his embarrassment. “Thank you,” he responded quietly, gazing at Guy with soft eyes. “You know, what I was trying to say with this song…..is that you…well….us….could start a whole new life together.”

Guy just stared into his eyes, listening to the sound of James’s voice.

“And I know it may seem crazy, but really, what are the odds of us finding each other?” He moved in a little closer to Guy. “I have always believed that the universe puts up signs for us. We just have to find them. As soon as we want to see them, they will be there, plain as day in front of us.”

Guy couldn’t take it anymore. He leaned over and kissed James passionately. “I would like to hear you singing that song every morning,” he told him as he pulled away again.



Chapter 10

James could barely speak. He hardly dared hope that he would be getting the thing he wanted most. He tried to make a joke of it. “I think that can be arranged,” he heard himself say. He thought he might have winked. But he couldn’t be sure. It was like his brain and body were unattached.

Silence would have filled the room then had it not been for the song playing in the background. Neither one of them spoke again until the last note sputtered and died, leaving everything silent in an almost eerie way.

Guy turned to James. He moved closer again. “You know,” he mused, “I hate to be sitting here and not telling you how much I want to be near you. I was serious before. I want you to stay here. I really do. I was just scared.”

James looked at Guy, his eyes full of sympathy. “I know the last few months must have been very hard on you. I never expected you to agree with me. But it has never been like me to just give up. I had to try something.”

“Well I am glad you did. This means so much more to me that you can ever know.”

“I tell you it was fate, I swear. I saw it just lying there in my car, somehow unharmed by the rain. And I remembered my mother singing it. I realized how much the words applied to you, and to us….” He drifted off.

Guy looked at him for a while. “What are you really trying to tell me?” he questioned.

James looked up from where he had been intently staring at the floor, shocked. “What do you mean?” he said quietly.

Guy shrugged. “You don’t fool me any more than I fool you. Just tell me what you are thinking. I have wanted to know what you think ever since I first laid eyes on you.”

“Okay. But you may not like it.”

“Try me.”

“When I say new beginnings….I well, I meant it quite literally. This song is about making a fresh start in a new place with new people. And….well, I just don’t think that this soybean farm is doing much good for you. The work is difficult and stressful and being here obviously just reminds you of the pain in your past and….I just…I just don’t want to have to see you like that.”

“So what are you saying?” Guy asked, narrowing his eyes. He was trying not to become agitated, but it was his natural reaction to new things and ideas. It was a bad habit that he found difficult to break.

James took a deep breath but did not falter. “I think that you should leave this farm. I think we should start our own life together. We can find an apartment and…”

“But what about Malcolm?” Guy asked quietly. “I need to make money so I can see Malcolm again.”

James had an urge to kiss him right then. He had been worried that Guy would begin to get nervous about moving in with someone he hadn’t known more than a day. But instead all he cared about was his son. His selflessness was achingly sweet.

“Oh don’t worry about that,” he replied with a dismissive wave of his hand. “I have all the money you’ll need and then some. Finally it will be good for something. We could hire a lawyer and-“

“No,” Guy said firmly.

James shot him a quizzical look. “What do you mean ‘no’? Why the hell not?” He was a little offended that Guy was being so rude when he had been trying to do something generous.

“I can’t let you do that!”

“It’s not a problem Guy. You know I don’t have any other decent use for that money. I couldn’t think of a better way to spend it than to make you happy.”

Guy looked at him and his face displayed disappointment. “You really don’t understand, do you?”

James threw his arms up in the air with frustration. “Well I may know how to read people Guy, but I am not a mind reader.”

Guy abruptly moved closer to him and grabbed him by the shoulders. “This has nothing to do with you James. Please know that. This is not some secret desire in my subconscious to shy away from you. I still want you to be around. But I cannot accept your money. I am Malcolm’s father. It’s my job to provide for him.”

He sighed, let go of James, and turned around slowly, shoulders sagging. “And if I can’t do that….well….then I don’t deserve to raise him. I don’t deserve to look him in the eye. How could he ever look me in the eye, knowing that I couldn’t even supply him with basic necessities without assistance?”

He sat in a chair and slumped low, seeming to disappear in the piece of furniture. James desperately wanted to hug him. He looked so small and helpless sitting there. But he knew Guy was upset and wanted to give him his space.

Instead he stood aside and spoke softly. “Guy, I don’t know Malcolm. But if he is anything at all like any other little boy, he won’t care if you are a millionaire or a homeless beggar. All he will care about is spending time with you. And I don’t know Julie either. But she doesn’t seem like she would be a very good mother.”

He finally decided it was worth risking it to go up to Guy. He came up to him and rubbed his shoulders for a bit. “You are obviously a great father. All I can provide is money. You can provide all the real necessities. Care and devotion and interest and especially love.”

Slowly Guy lifted his head to look at James. His strikingly green eyes shone with sincerity. He gently caressed James’ cheek. “I knew there was a reason I missed you the moment I told you to leave.”



Chapter 11

Guy felt a hand lightly brush his back. He turned around to see James standing there with a small smile. “Are you ready?” he inquired softly.

Guy allowed his eyes to wander back to fields which he had been staring at before James’ arrival. The sun was still low in the sky as it was early morning. Guy had been awake since dawn, unable to sleep due to the vast array of emotions swirling inside of him.

“I’m not sure,” he replied sadly. “This is all I have known for so long.”

“I know,” James said. A sympathetic look flashed in his eyes and he wished there was something he could to do make things better.

Guy wished the same. He wished he wasn’t about to leave the place he had spent so many years of his life. He wished, at least, he wasn’t leaving it without a victory. And he also wished he could be happy that he was leaving it with James.
“I know I don’t appreciate you enough,” Guy told him. “It’s been a month now, hasn’t it?”

James nodded. “Just barely.”

“You’ve been so patient with me. And I still don’t know why you stayed. I wish I could say I was glad you did. But I really don’t know what I am feeling right now.”

“It’s okay.” He flashed Guy a smile and Guy felt guilty watching him do it. He wished he could push past all of his negative feelings and just value the man who stood before him. But he didn’t know how.

“Do you have everything you need?” James continued, recognizing that Guy wouldn’t be inclined to say much else.

“I have my record player…I have my radio….so I suppose that I do.” And I have you, he added silently. He couldn’t bring himself to say that out loud. It seemed unfair for him to need James and yet not show any outward signs of appreciation for all that he’d done for him.

For a while they just stood there, Guy watching the sunrise casting its early morning glow on the barren fields that he had toiled over for so long, and James standing back and letting him do so.

“Are you going to drag me to the car or not?” Guy questioned quietly after some time.

James’ eyes widened a bit in surprise. “Do you want me to?” he asked, not quite sure if Guy was joking.

“I need you to,” Guy replied seriously. “I don’t think I’ll be able to leave on my own…” he allowed his voice to drift off until it was barely a whisper. He sighed deeply.

Dramatically, James grabbed his hand. “Come on then,” he said with a wink, pulling him along down the path to where the car was parked.

Guy couldn’t help but smile at James’ attempts to lighten the mood. He couldn’t help but laugh just a little, even as he sat down in the passenger seat. And he couldn’t help but be compelled to lean over and kiss James lightly on the cheek, even as he started the car and drove away from Guy’s former home, and in a way, his former life.

At first there was nothing but silence. But it wasn’t a nice kind of silence. It felt tense and awkward. Guy couldn’t handle it. He shut his eyes and pretended to be asleep. James glanced over at him and smiled. He wasn’t fooled at all.

“Okay Guy, we can play some music if you don’t want to just sit here.”

Guy’s eyes opened up again and he managed a grin. “How did you know I was faking?”

“I know so much more about you than you realize.”

Guy laughed. “That’s kind of creepy you know.”

“I don’t think it is,” James replied quietly. “But if it is, I’m sorry. I can’t help knowing so much. Because I can’t help observing you, and thinking about you.”

The car slowed and Guy glanced over to see James was staring right at him, his green eyes flashing brighter than Guy had ever seen them. “I can’t help that I do all of these things….because I can’t help loving you.”

Guy felt a sudden jolt go through him. He didn’t know what it was. But it affected his stomach, brain, and heart all at once. He had a sudden urge to jump out of the car. But on the other hand he had an urge to kiss James and never stop.

He did neither. Instead he mumbled “oh” and tried to become invisible in his seat by sliding down in it. He pulled the cap he wore down over his face, crossed his arms, and did his best to disappear.

“That hat doesn’t hide all of your blushing you know,” James told him.

Guy groaned and sat back up in his seat. He adjusted his hat and while he did so James took the opportunity to lightly graze Guy’s face with two fingers. “I am sorry that was so sudden. But I couldn’t keep it inside any longer.”

"How long have you felt like this?” Guy asked gravely.

“I don’t know. One day I just woke up and I knew how I felt.”

Guy just stared at him helplessly. Guilt was already eating away at him. He knew he should say the same thing to James. But he wasn’t sure he felt it yet. And he wasn’t sure if he could admit to feeling it, even if he did.

James turned away from Guy to focus on driving again. “It’s okay you know,” he told Guy. “You don’t have to say it back. I don’t need you to. I just needed you to know how I felt. I feel you have the right to know where you stand in my eyes.”

“So do you,” Guy replied. “But I don’t know where you stand. That is the problem.”

James sighed quietly. “I know you don’t. I can tell. Your eyes have been so full of confusion lately. I am hoping you’ll realize how you really feel once we start our lives over in the city.”

He did his best to smile. “Cities are so full of life, you know? It’s that kind of thing that makes people really take a look at themselves.”

Guy rubbed his face. “Just turn on some music already,” he said.



Chapter 12

“We are here!” James exclaimed pointlessly. It was clear that they had arrived in the city. There were lots of cars and people and noise and strange smells, and most of all the endless stretches of buildings that towered in the distance. The car veered off the highway and onto an exit which led directly to the heart of the city.

“Where are we going?” Guy questioned timidly. He felt completely overwhelmed. He hadn’t been to a place with this many people since he was a young boy.

“I thought we would go straight to where the action is. Maybe find a place on one of the busier streets.” James saw the stricken look on Guy’s face and he gently rested one of his hands on one of Guy’s. “I know it seems intimidating. But I really think this is the best way to help you move on.”

Guy gave a slight nod. His eyes were a milky brown and they seemed to widen with every new building the car passed. “I trust you,” he whispered.

James frowned a little, and for a moment wondered if he should really be doing this. He felt as though he were manipulating a young child. But he quickly pushed those thoughts away. If Guy was like a young child, than it was up to James to decide what was best.

Finally they stopped in front of a building that seemed to stretch upwards for miles. They got out of the car and Guy squinted up to try and see where the building ended and the sky began. He had a terribly difficult time trying to figure it out, and eventually gave up.

Head hanging low in defeat, he followed James inside the building. The lobby was shiny and looked brand new. It was also bone chilling do to the air conditioning. Guy was not at all accustomed to it. He had never lived in a place with any sort of cooling system before.

“Just wait here,” James told Guy.

Normally Guy would have held his head up high and refused. He would have purposely done just the opposite just to prove that he could do so if he wanted to. But his new surroundings had shattered his spirit, and he obeyed without a fight.

James approached the counter and quickly with the man standing there. In just a few minutes he returned with a series of forms. “We have to fill these out,” he told Guy. When Guy didn’t respond he continued “So we can rent an apartment here to live in.”

There was still no response from the sullen dark haired man. James sighed and sat down to fill them out himself. If Guy had been anyone else he would have gotten angry. But he found it nearly impossible to have any sort of negative feelings towards Guy.

Once the forms were completed, he took them back to the counter and in a few minutes more he returned to Guy with a satisfied smile. “We have ourselves an apartment!” He tried to say it with as much enthusiasm as he could, hoping just a bit of it might rub off on Guy. It did finally make him react, at least.

“That’s good,” Guy said, a small smile crossing his features. But his eyes were completely expressionless, something James had never seen before, which worried him. He pushed another wave of doubt from his mind about whether or not this was the best course of action to take.

“The landlord says we can move in tomorrow morning. So we will stay in a hotel tonight. I know of a good one just down the block. We can walk from here.”

“Okay,” Guy agreed. Walking sounded wonderful after hours of sitting in a car. Guy couldn’t remember ever being in a car for so long before then. And he didn’t mind that at all. Because as far as he could tell, cars were miserable contraptions.

“I think you will really grow to enjoy living here Guy,” James remarked as they approached the hotel. “Over time, of course.”

Guy didn’t say a word. He just stuck his hands in his pockets and walked with his head down, nearly walking into other people on numerous occasions. Fortunately James steered him out of the way.

Once they reached the place, James quickly made his way to the front desk and booked a room. He soon returned with a room key in hand. “Our room is on the 7th floor,” he told Guy.

Guy followed him to the elevators, the only sounds either of them making being the light tapping their shoes made on the tile floor. As they were being carried up to their proper floor, Guy remarked “This is only the second time I’ve ever been n an elevator.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah….the other time was when Malcolm was born.”

“I see,” James said. He stared at the ground. He didn’t know what to say to that. He couldn’t read Guy’s expressions, and it was a bit nerve-wracking. He could usually tell exactly how Guy was feeling. But now it felt like he was sharing the elevator with a robot.

When the elevator stopped Guy hurried out to the corridor. “What’s the rush?” James questioned with a small grin.

“I hate those things,” Guy replied. “I feel like I am being suffocated.”

James’ grin got wider. “You are so amusing, you know that?”

“I’ve never been told that before,” Guy responded indifferently, moving a little so that James’ hand was no longer touching his arm.

James stared at Guy helplessly, trying to read his face. Guy stared back with the same indifference as he had spoken with. James let out a quiet sigh. “Well, the room is down the hall this way,” he said, pointing in the direction of the room.

Once inside, Guy immediately headed for one of the two beds. “I’m tired. I am going to bed,” he said simply.

“But it’s only 8:30,” James started to say. But he decided it was pointless. If Guy wanted to sleep, he would try and sleep too.

“I guess I will go to bed as well.” There was no response from Guy as James climbed into the second bed.

Hearing nothing from Guy for quite a while, James figured he was asleep. He smiled a little at the thought. He had seen Guy asleep once before. He had come out to the main room of the old house tone night o get a drink of water and Guy had been deep in sleep on the couch.

James remembered how he had stood there watching him for many minutes, somehow unable to pull his eyes away from the sight. He remembered how innocent Guy had looked. It made his heart ache to think about it.

His thoughts then shifted to the time Guy had finally agreed to leave the farm. James remembered Guy had the same look of innocence. Lying in the foreign bed, James recalled the scene in its entirety.



Chapter 13

He had awoken to find the house empty. It was a little unusual, for Guy was usually always busy with some sort of work inside the house. James had always found it both humorous and endearing that Guy never felt comfortable unless he was involved in some sort of labor. But on that day James heard nothing but silence, if silence were a thing to be heard.

Curious, he had hurried out of bed and went on a search. Just as he suspected, Guy was nowhere to be found in the cozy house. James remembered shivering a little as he realized that without Guy in it, the house wasn’t cozy or comforting at all. It just felt lonely.

He had then continued his search outside. He was relieved when he found Guy sitting behind the house. He had sat cross legged in the yellowed summer grass and hadn’t been wearing any noticeable expression. His eyes were very distant and as James had gotten closer he distinctly recalled that they were swimming with every shade of brown known to man.

“Guy?” James remembered asking softly.

But despite the calm tone of his voice, Guy had still been startled, not having been aware of James’ presence. He whipped his head around and his eyes widened. But once he had realized who it was his face relaxed considerably. His eyes softened. His jaw unclenched.

“Oh, it’s you,” Guy had said simply.

Although to most people it would have sounded like a reply of indifference, James knew Guy well enough even then to know that a simple phrase like that meant a whole lot coming from Guy. James recalled with fondness the slight tone he could hear in Guy’s voice that let him know that Guy was glad to see him.

“Yes, it’s me,” James had replied, a lopsided grin making its way onto his face.

“What are you doing out here?” he had inquired. He had known how unlike Guy it was to break his daily routine.

“Oh….nothing,” Guy had said with a shrug. “Just enjoying the scenery.”

James recalled how warnings had instantly gone off in his head. This was not the Guy he knew. There was something else going on. He decided to sit down beside Guy. “Okay…” he had said carefully, “now why don’t you tell me what is really going on.”

Guy had then flashed James a look of frustration. “I said-" But then he had sighed and, shoulders slumping, gave up the act. “I don’t know what to do with myself. I try to keep my mind off of things with little chores. But I…I just can’t. I feel so useless James.”

James recalled how he had, without thinking, embraced Guy and had never wanted to let go. His form seemed to melt into his arms, as if asking for help, even begging for it. But finally Guy had pulled away, not quite willing to let his guard down completely. And in that brief moment, James had gotten an idea.

“I know what you need Guy,” he had told him. “You need to get out of this place. You feel useless because there is nothing to do here. The soybeans aren’t coming back and until spring there is no reason for you to be here.”

Guy looked at James with terrified eyes. “But how could I ever leave it? It is my home. It has been my home for so long. Everything I have worked so hard for is here.”

“It was here,” James had said. “But now it is gone. You need to accept that.” It had hurt James terribly to tell Guy that. But he had truly believed he had needed to hear it. Guy gazed at the fields with a look that expressed everything he didn’t say.

James could tell that Guy was running through all other possibilities in his mind; any way that he could gain back a feeling of worth without leaving the farm. He could also tell that Guy was realizing that it was a futile effort.

He had wanted to hug him to kiss him, to do anything that would suddenly create an alternate solution. He hadn’t wanted to leave any more than Guy did. But in his heart he thought it was the best thing to do.

So he kept his emotions inside and coaxed Guy through the process, all the while coaxing himself too. On the day they left, he had wanted to break down and cry at the thought of leaving. But Guy had needed him. So he had kept himself together.

And all of that had led up to now. But what did they really have? James wondered. They were lying in a hotel room, in separate beds. They had hardly spoken at all the entire day. James didn’t mind that normally. Their separation and silences usually seemed natural.

But now it was different. The few feet between the two beds felt like miles. And the lack of speech that day left James feeling like he and Guy were two friends awkwardly trying to reacquaint after a long period of time.

He rolled over and tried his hardest to sleep. But questions kept running through his mind, rendering him completely unable to relax. There was a nagging feeling inside of him that was telling him there was an important point he was missing in all of this.

There was a noise. An odd, muffled sound. Barely audible. It sounded vaguely familiar. But James couldn’t determine what it was. But it seemed to be coming from the other side of the room.

“Guy?” James whispered. There was no reply. But there was the same, odd noise again. Before James knew it he was on the other side of the room, bending over Guy’s bed. “Guy?” he said again.

“I’m fine,” Guy finally said. But he voice sounded off.

“What is it?” James asked, his voice rising. He was beginning to get very worried. Something seemed very wrong.

“I said it’s nothing.”

But James wasn’t satisfied. He was tired of trying to guess what thoughts were going on in the troubled mind of that poor man. “Listen to me Guy. I want you to tell me what is going on right now. Or I will just have to-" As he said this, he reached out and took Guy’s head in his hands. He allowed his palms to feel the smooth skin of Guy’s cheeks. And he stopped speaking. Because now he knew what was going on.

Abruptly he pulled his hands away. They were wet. Wet like Guy’s cheeks were, from the tears he had been shedding. James felt his heart shatter into thousands of pieces.



Chapter 14

James took several deep breaths. He tried to regain his composure. He tried to stop the ache that was spreading from his heart to the rest of his body.

"It's okay you know," Guy told him.

"How can you even say that?" James asked. "It is not okay. I can't be. Or you wouldn't be..." he couldn't finish his sentence.

He kneeled down in front of the bed, and placed his hands on the mattress, his chin resting on top of them. Guy's face was, presumably, mere inches away, though neither of them could really see in the darkness.

"Please just tell me what is wrong," he whispered. "I can't even function knowing you are so upset."

Guy sighed. "I would rather not say it. It's ridiculous and trivial. And it would make you feel bad. I don't want that. I don't want that spark to leave your eyes."

"Are you completely ignorant?" James whispered harshly. "That spark is only there as long as you are happy. If you're not happy, then I certainly never could be. Don't you see that? Everything I have done in the past month has been for you. Everything."

"I know," Guy replied quietly. "I know it has. And that's why it's so hard to tell you...."

He drifted off and James sighed angrily. "I don't care how painful it is. I want to know Guy. I have to know. Just..." he drifted off for a moment, gathering his composure to speak in a softer tone. "Just please tell me. Tell me so I can fix it. Tell me so I will never do it again. Tell me so I can leave. Whatever the outcome has to be, just tell me what is wrong."

For a while Guy didn't say anything. Eventually he shifted so that he was lying on his back, his hand behind his head.

"I hate this city." He paused, allowing the words to sink in. "No, that's only part of it," he added after some thought. "I don't just hate this city. I hate all cities. They are loud and crowded and yet even with so many people bustling around they feel like the loneliest places on Earth."

He rolled over again to face James, his head no more than a couple of inches from James'. James couldn't really see, but he could tell because he could hear Guy's breath in his ears and feel the warmth of it on his face as he continued to speak.

"I was just lying here, and all of a sudden everything came crashing down on me. I had put up such a good effort to control my thoughts and keep my emotions I check. But for some reason...I just...couldn't do it anymore. I'm sorry. I know how much this means to you. I didn't want to hurt you. I tried so hard..."

His voice cracked a little and he took a deep breath to try and calm down. "I just..I wanted to show you I appreciated what you were doing. I thought humoring you might do that. But I'm sorry, I can't."

He stopped talking after that and even though he heard nothing, James got the sense that Guy was crying again. He stood up and brought his hands to Guy's face. He had been right. He took Guy's head in his hands and lifted it up just a bit. Guy sat up, trying to turn his head away. But James wouldn't let him.

"No," he said. "Don't try and hide it again. I don't want you to." Guy pushed James' hands away. But he didn't turn his head again.

"You were right. This hurts me. It hurts me a lot. But it only hurts so badly because I know I was wrong. I shouldn't have pushed you to come here. I thought it would be the best thing for you, but I was wrong. Deep down, I knew I was. But I....I just had to do something. I couldn't just sit back and watch you suffer. But I guess you are still suffering, maybe even more than before. And I am sincerely sorry for that."

"Thank you," Guy said, his voice quivering. "Thank you for caring enough to try and do something to help. No one else would have done that for me."

James laughed in a bitter way. "Well I wouldn't be thanking me because clearly I fucked this up pretty badly."

"At least you care about me," Guy said quietly. "Nobody else really does. I've never been a social butterfly. But I had some friends, and I have some family. None of them ever attempted to help me out at all." He sighed. "I've been going downhill for a while now. Ever since-"

"I know," James interrupted. "I know." He sat on the edge of the bed. "Don't feel bad okay? I am glad you told me how you feel. And I will have you know that I will always care about you, even if no one else does." He spoke with a certain conviction that made Guy curious.

"Hey....what are you planning?" Guy asked suspiciously. James was already back in his own bed.

"Don't worry about it," James told him.

"What a stupid thing to say," Guy mumbled to himself. Of course he was going to worry. He worried about James every moment he was conscious, and probably when he was asleep too. "Or at least explain why you left so quickly."

"Well, I have to sleep eventually."

Guy mustered up all the boldness he could manage. "But it is kind of lonely over here, without you."

James felt his throat tighten with love for the man across the room. He got out of the bed again. He stood above Guy. "Okay. From now we do things your way," he whispered. Guy smiled, though he did not yet know the full meaning behind the statement. Quietly James walked around to the other side of the bed and climbed into it, curling up next to Guy. "Is this alright with you?"

Guy turned so that he was facing James. Their knees touched. Their faces were a mere hair's width apart. He brought one hand to James' face and stroked it gently. "This is more than alright with me."

They fell asleep to the rhythmic sound of the other's breathing.



Chapter 15

The minute Guy awoke he opened his eyes, expecting to see James' form beside him. But he was in the bed alone. He sat up and squinted as bright morning sunlight entered his vision. And then James was magically standing before him.

"Good morning," he said with a wide grin.

Guy frowned. Something was going on, and he wanted to know what it was. "What time is it?"

James shrugged. "About ten or so."

"In the morning!?"

James chuckled at the ridiculousness of the question. "Yes, in the morning. Are you alright?" he asked playfully shoving him.

"Yes, I am fine," he grouched. "Are you alright? Why didn't you wake me up? I can't even remember the last time I woke after the sunrise."

"See? That's why. I thought you needed the extra rest. And besides," he added lovingly, "you look so lovely when you are asleep."

Guy looked at him carefully for a long time. "That's not the real reason is it?"

"Well...there is something else," James admitted. "But it's a surprise. So I had to do it without you."

"Do what?"

"I can't tell you. Not yet."

"Screw you," Guy retorted, but a small smile played at his lips. "Sit down," he told him, and grabbed his hand.

James sat beside him. "I am actually a bit nervous about this," he confessed. "What if you don't like this plan either?"

Guy arched one eyebrow. "A plan? Interesting."

James frowned and nervously fingered his curls. "Maybe I'll just call the whole thing off."

He started to get up, but Guy stopped him. "No...it's okay. As long as it doesn't involve any cities."

James shook his head. "No, of course not. It's...I really thought about this one."

Guy moved in a bit closer to James. "I have a secret to tell you," he whispered. "Not everything about this trip was bad."

Now it was James' turn to raise an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"It's true," Guy confirmed. "I really didn't want to stay at that farm. I just didn't know what else to do. I'm glad someone finally convinced me to leave. And I'm especially glad that it was you."

"You don't know how happy that makes me."

Guy looked into James' eyes for the first time since they left the farm. "You don't know how happy you make me."

James leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "I do now...thank you," he whispered.

"I'm sorry I didn't realize it sooner. But I realized it last night. Looking at you next to me...it was like being reborn. Something washed over me and cleared away all of the dirty past that has been a part of me for so long."

"It's okay," James told him. "Everyone moves at their own pace. You're not as quick to take immediate action as some people are." He moved so that they were huddled up next to each other. "And I like that about you. I mean, look where immediate action got us? A smelly city, and a miserable feeling in your case."

His eyes roved around the room and he sighed. "You know, I never much enjoyed cities either. They're obnoxious. I can never get any peace to think." He fixed his dark eyes back on Guy. "And all that noise and chaos would keep me from being able to really appreciate you. It's happened before, with others."

Guy's face fell. "So I'm not your first love then?" he asked sadly.

James' eyes widened. "Well...no...but...it's...well they...I never felt the same about any of them as I feel about you! I-" He stopped short as he noted a change in Guy's expression. He was smiling. No, grinning. James frowned. "What?" he asked suspiciously.

Guy laughed. A good, hearty laugh which James had never heard before. "I was only kidding," he said, the smile widening into a broad grin.

"You ass," James said, giving him the finger.

"Bite me," Guy said with a wink.

James just stuck his tongue out at him. Guy stared at him. James raised an eyebrow again. "What are you thinking?" he questioned.

Guy smirked, but his eyes still held the stare. "But I thought you always knew what I was thinking. My eyes give me away, right?"

"Not this time," James told him. he frowned, deep in thought. "This time the tint of your eyes is indecipherable." He gave Guy a more scrutinizing glance. "I've never seen that particular shade before."

Guy crossed his arms. "I would guess not," he told James. "I am normally such a strong-willed person. I don't think twice about what I do, and no one can change my mind. But right now, half my brain has a different view than the other."

"What do you mean?" James asked, a confused expression on his face.

"I mean....I am trying to decide what to do about you right now. "

James laughed. "You mean like whether you should stab me or strangle me?"

"No. More like whether I should jump you right now or leave the room and try to preserve some of my sanity." He frowned and somehow managed to stare at James even more intently than before. "But the trouble is, that is really all up to you."

"It's all up to me?" James asked, feigning surprise. He stuck his tongue out again. 'I don't know if I'm ready to take the next step Guy."

Guy grabbed James' shoulders. "Well I know I am. And I no longer value your opinion. That tongue of yours will taunt me no longer." Then he kissed James with more passion than even he knew he had.

For a split second, Guy felt a twinge of worry. Maybe James really didn't want this. He could certainly understand why not. But he had a much harder time understanding why. Guy often wondered what James saw in him. He was just the gruff and moody farmer. And just because he was having a brief relapse in his unattractive personality didn't mean James would want him any more than usual.

And yet, while Guy considered the odds to be highly against him, in the next moment James had grabbed his waist and pulled him closer. They kissed until they both felt dizzy and were forced to take a break.

James stroked Guy's chest. "Why do you look so surprised?"

"I didn't imagine you'd actually..." he drifted off, still trying to catch his breath, and feeling generally amazed by the entire situation.

"You didn't imagine I'd want you?" James said for him. Guy nodded sheepishly.

"That's ridiculous." He grabbed Guy by the shoulders him and pulled him into his lap, cradling his head in his hands. "Can't you see?" he whispered, "I've wanted you ever since I first saw you. Obviously more than you knew. I'm surprised. I didn't think I was doing such a great job at hiding it."

"It's possible I just couldn't fathom it in my own head," Guy admitted. "I put on this act, where I'm self-assured, and in part it's true. I do know what I want and when I believe in something I think I'm right. But just because I know what I want, doesn't mean I think I will get it. Honestly James, for a while now I have been thinking there must be something terribly wrong with me. Ever since she left."

"No," James responded with conviction. "Don't think that anymore Guy. There is nothing wrong with you. I love everything about you and I want you just the way you are."

"Then have me, please," he replied, looking up at James with large, innocent looking eyes.

"You don't need to beg," James told him. "I am more than willing." Then he leaned down and kissed Guy again, all his intentions made known through his lips, and all of Guy's willingness to oblige made through his own.



Chapter 16

"Now what's this surprise? I think I have a right to know." Guy laid next to James and turned to look at him for probably the thousandth time in the past few hours. His eyes were immediately met with a pair of glowing green ones.

"It's a surprise. No one has the right to know, except me of course."

"And what makes you so special?"

James grinned smugly. "You tell me."

Guy laughed a little. "I wouldn't even know where to begin," he said softly. His eyes wandered up and down the bed, taking in James' form. Most of it was now covered by thin white sheets, but that somehow seemed to emphasize his best features even more. Guy sighed to himself. There were so many, he knew he could never choose just one to describe.

James took the sigh to mean something different entirely. "Don't worry Guy, you'll find out what it is soon enough."

Guy just rolled his eyes and decided to play along with James' apparent ignorance. He winked at him. "Aww, come on. Don't you think I've earned the right to know?"

Subsequently James let out a sigh of his own, for much the same reasons as Guy had. he reached out to ruffle Guy's already unkempt hair. "Fine. I suppose now is as good a time as any."

He got out of bed and began to dress himself. Guy watched him. He felt guilty doing so, despite all they had been through. But he couldn't help himself. It was a precious opportunity that couldn't be wasted.

James turned around and met his gaze. Guy blushed. James smiled slyly. "Okay....your turn," he said. he climbed back into the bed and laid his head against Guy's naked chest, looking up at him as sweetly as he knew how.

"You're funny when you make that shocked face of yours." He turned his head to bury his face in Guy's chest. "I don't put on free shows you know," he joked. "If you get to watch me, I get to watch you. It's a fair tradeoff. Please?" He grazed Guy with one finger, drawing a path down his chest.

Guy scowled down at him, though he could never seriously be angry with James. "Fine," he said. "But I'll have to kindly ask you to get off me first."

James breathed in deeply. "On second thought, I like you better without any clothes on."

Guy rolled his eyes and pushed James' head away so he could get up. He tried to do so as quickly as possible, knowing that James would be watching him too. He kept on thinking that James would finally see that he was nothing special, and that scared him. Because he could feel the attachment he had to James growing stronger every day. And after this day, Guy didn't think he would have the strength to handle it if James ever did leave him.

"What's the rush? I promise you, the surprise isn't going anywhere."

Guy sighed with frustration. "James, I haven't even thought about that. I was only joking around before. Do you really think..." He sighed again, and sat down on the bed. "Do you honestly believe that mind has housed thoughts of anything but you in these past few hours?"

"Then why all that sighing?"

"Because I keep thinking about how much I need you now, and how little I would be able to handle myself if you were to leave me."

"I would never leave you," James said seriously, a bright flash of color lighting up his eyes.

"You will once you realize how dull I am," he quietly replied.

"You're being ridiculous Guy. Must I really explain how devoted I am to you?" He sat upright, an idea in his eyes. He grabbed Guy's hand and pulled him off the bed. "You know what? I don't need to explain. I can just show you."

- - - - - - - -

"Where are we going?" Guy asked. "And does it really need to involve more driving?

"It does if you want to get there before dark." He laid his hand on Guy's as a gesture of encouragement. "I know you hate cars. But at the end of this trip lies your little surprise. And hopefully it will emphasize just how much you mean to me."

"Okay," Guy said, because he didn't know what else to say. He wanted to take James' word for it, but his low self-esteem made that a terribly difficult thing to do. And his stubbornness made it seem impossible that James wouldn't get bored of him at some point. He had long ago convinced himself that he was boring and worthless. But he didn't want to upset James with these thoughts, so he kept silent.

To Guy's relief, they drove until they were well out of the city. Eventually all that could be seen was an occasional picket or barbed wire fence marking bounders between property which surely belonged to various farmers, and possible a house or a barn the size of a dot off in the distance.

Guy could feel a sense of inner calm returning to him as they continued to drive through the countryside. He had no idea what James was up to, but whatever it was, he knew he would be happy with it. As long as he and James were together and there wasn't a city building in sight, he would be content.

But as he thought of everything that had happened so far that day, he realized that even in a city he could learn to be happy as long as James was by his side. And he didn't think he could ever learn to be happy even in the most wide open stretch of land if James was not right there with him. The urge to speak suddenly filled him.

"James, I hope you know that I could be happy anywhere that you are. Even a city. And I didn't mean to make such a big deal out of that before. I was just scared that I'd be all the way out in the city, and you'd leave me. And then I'd just....I'd lose it or something."

"Don't even mention that anymore Guy. It's all in the past now." He turned abruptly onto a dirt road that Guy hadn't even noticed was there. "You don't have to think about cities ever again, because you will be here."

He drove up a small hill, then stopped the car. Guy peered over the hill and subsequently forgot how to breathe. He gasped and tears filled his eyes.

"I hope you can find it in your heart to believe me now when I tell you of my devotion to you," James told him.



Chapter 17

Guy didn't answer. He opened the car door and stepped out on wobbly legs. He stumbled down the hill a little ways before stopping just to stare. To stare at how much James apparently cared about him. He could hardly believe his eyes. He kept rubbing them, sure that he would clear his mind of this hallucination any time now.

But every time he did so, the view still remained. If anything, it got better every time. The sun was slowly sinking on the horizon. It cast rays at such an angle that seemed to enhance the charm of the place to an endless degree.

There was a house, and a tool shed a little ways away from it. It was a little house, but it looked like a home to Guy right away. It had a red thatched roof and a red brick chimney. The siding was pure white, despite the dust storms that frequented the area. The front door was painted a bright red. And there was a wooden porch in the front, with two chairs.

That quaint house sat in the middle of the largest piece of land Guy had ever seen. It was a beautiful field, and Guy could tell just by looking at it that it had the capacity to grow storing and healthy crops. He could barely make out a fence off in the distance.

The tears spilled out of his eyes now. He shook with the effort of trying and failing to keep them at bay. He had no words to describe his feelings. But as waves of emotion sent shivers through him, he realized that he did know of some words that could.

And as if on cue, James was beside him, wrapping one long arm around him and bringing him in close, almost as if he knew Guy had something to say.

Guy turned immediately so that their chests were nearly touching. He took a few deep breaths to try and calm down. It didn't really do much to stabilize him. But that wouldn't stop him from saying what needed to be said.

"I love you James," he sobbed through his tears. "I love you, I love you, and I have for a while now. I should've gotten the courage to say it when you did, but I just couldn't do it. I'm so sorry for that. But I hope it doesn't matter, and I hope you're not hurting because of it...because...I just....I love you."

He buried his face in James's chest and continued to sob. James hugged him tight, rubbing his back and whispering to him. "How could I be hurting?" he asked. "Every moment with you is a moment of joy for me." Guy lifted his head up. James loosened his grip and let his hands slide down to Guy's waist. "I hope you're ready to start kissing me now," he joked.

"If I could, I would never stop," Guy told him.

Their lips met, and for the first time in a long time Guy felt like he had a purpose in this world. He was no longer just a vague presence; a shadow of a man who lived just because he thought he had to. He now lived for this.

He knew he would open his eyes and get out of bed each morning not out of habit, but for this. So he could hear that lovely voice again. So he could look into those green eyes again. So he could feel those strong arms around him again. So he could feel these soft lips on his time and time again.

For the first time in their relatively short history together, James was the first to pull away. "Come on, I'll show you the inside of the house."

Guy was even more stunned by the house's interior. It had floors and walls of beautiful wood in a rich chestnut color. There was a small kitchen, and a small living room with a fireplace whose mantle was composed of a beautiful stone.
"It's so beautiful," Guy breathed. "How did you-"

"I just went to the nearest real estate agency and bought the first thing I knew you'd love."

"You didn't have to-"

"Of course I didn't have to. But I wanted to."

"But the money...."

"The money was no object. It was actually a good deal. But I would have spent every last dime I had for your sake. And that look on your face right now is how I know that it was all worth it."

"Thank you, thank you so much. I don't know what else I can say."

James squeezed his hand. "You don't need to say anything. Like I said, it's all in your face."

"Well it's certainly in my eyes," Guy mused. "I can't seem to stop crying now." He wiped a few tears that were still trickling down his face.

James smiled. "I feel privileged to be one of the few people who has ever seen your sensitive side."

"What are you talking about?" Guy joked. "I cry in front of everybody."
They shared a laugh and it echoed through the little home in a way that sounded beautiful to Guy.

"I can see us living here," he told James. "I can see it clearly."

"So you don't think I'll pack up and go then?" James said, a playful smile on his face.

"No, not anymore," Guy replied seriously. "I'll never make that mistake again."

"Good," James responded. "Now come on, there's still a bit more to the house."

He led Guy down a narrow hallway, and stopped at a door. "Look inside," he told him. "I thought this would be a good room for Malcolm to stay in."

"Wh-what?" Guy said, as he peered into the room.

"Guy, you can't seriously be surprised by this. I want to be a part of your life in every way. And Malcolm is definitely a part of that."

"Thank you," Guy said, lacking the emotional strength for any more words than those.

"Let's go see the other bedroom," James said. They continued down the hall to the last room. "Here it," James told him. "I hope you'll like it."

Guy stepped inside immediately. The brightly polished floors squeaked under his feet. The large window on one wall was open and let in a breeze that gently moved the white curtains back, revealing a beautiful view of the fields.

"I thought you might like to be able to observe your crops from here," James said.

"I love it," Guy said instantly. And he meant it. He could picture quiet evenings in here, making small talk. He could picture waking up here every day, with James beside him.

"But," James said slyly, "there is something missing in here."

Guy raised his eyebrows, but after looking around again realized what it was. "There's no bed."

"Not yet there isn't. But I figured you might to like to do that part."

Guy's eyes widened with the realization. "You want me to build the bed?"

"Only if you want to."

Guy walked over to James and kissed him on the cheek. "Of course I want to," he told him. "And it's going to be engraved with our initials, as a sign of my devotion to you."



Chapter 18

James was warm. Almost too warm. Frowning, he slowly wiggled his arms free from the confines of the thick red quilt and pulled it down from his shoulders so that it lay haphazardly on his bare stomach. He sighed with relief as the cool air of the room wrapped itself around his newly exposed skin.

He opened his eyes for the first time that morning to a bright glare from the single window. That explained the heat. But in the back of his mind he recognized that this was no ordinary sunrise. The sun seemed to pack a greater intensity than it had all winter long. Squinting, he rolled over with difficulty under the heavy blanket to face Guy, something he did every morning without question. But this morning, Guy was not there.

James frowned, more deeply this time. That was unlike him. He always followed a specific schedule. And James was also surprised at himself for not noticing Guy's missing presence. He jumped out of bed in a hurry.He could really feel the air on him now, more cold than cool for sure.

He quickly dressed in the warmest clothes he could find then headed outside. He was fairly certain Guy wasn't in the house; he hadn't heard any activity. No shuffling of boots on hardwood floors, no clinking of breakfast dishes, and no kettle whistling.

But since James was now beginning to doubt his hearing, seeing as Guy had snuck off unnoticed, he truly had just made the decision to check outside based on intuition alone. He just had a feeling Guy would be out there.

He trekked through the snow. It wasn't long before his suspicions were confirmed. He noticed another set of footprints and he followed them until he saw Guy. He was sitting in the middle of one of the fields, so far out James could barely make out his form.

He quickened his pace and soon Guy was a distinct image in his vision. After what felt like an eternity he reached speaking distance.

"What are you doing out here so early?" he asked, panting with the combination of the thin winter air and the rushed pace of his steps.

Guy turned to him, slightly surprised. But deep down he knew James would know where to find him, and so he smiled a knowing smile. "Enjoying the scenery," he replied. But his eyes said something more.

James sat beside him. "Hah, you always say that. You don't fool me Berryman, I see that twinkle in your eyes. What's so special about this morning?"

Guy couldn't help himself. He grinned like a little boy. "Alright fine, you caught me red-handed. I was enjoying," he paused for dramatic effect, "the first signs of spring!" He spread one arm out, gesturing towards the patch of grass that they sat upon.

James knew what it was then. He felt embarrassed for having not realized earlier. "Oh.....there's grass!" he exclaimed, genuinely excited by this fact, mainly because he knew Guy was.

"Yes, green grass!" Guy exclaimed. "Patches of it all around."

They both shared a look then, and burst out laughing, falling back in the newly exposed grass. Neither of them knew the cause of their laughter. Some days were just like this. Unfocused and unplanned and absolutely blithe.

Today they chose to blame it on the coming spring. "We've caught the fever," Guy joked, in higher spirits than James had seen in a while.

"It would appear so," James laughed. "Here we are on the ground laughing, without even a morning cup of tea in our systems." He propped himself up on one elbow and feigned a serious frown. "I don't know how much longer I can go on without my daily dose of caffeine."

"I'll get right on that," Guy remarked. He laughed again, and the sound rung out like sleigh bells in the frosty air.

"On second thought," James replied, "I think I need my daily dose of you first."
He fell on top of him, kissing him hard. "I'm sorry," he whispered between kisses, "but your laughter is the most beautiful sound in all the world. I had to let your lips know, so that they won't ever hesitate to let it out."

Guy stared at him with soulful brown eyes. "You are so sweet." He brushed James's unkempt hair out of his face. "But I think I should start on that tea now. Otherwise your stare is going to take all my clothes right off of me."

"Would that really be so bad?" James asked, winking.

"It would unless you enjoy frostbite. It's still awfully cold out here. Now come on, I could really use a cup."

Once inside, Guy filled the kettle and attempted to begin breakfast. But James had something else in mind. "Sit down," he told Guy. "I am going to cook today."

Guy frowned and crossed his arms in the thoughtful way that secretly made James weak with desire. "You can cook?" he inquired.

"Yes," James replied, "Now sit. And tell me what it is you're thinking about this morning."

Guy sat at the small table. "You always know don't you?" he said, with love rather than annoyance. He sighed. "As you can see, spring is just around the corner. And....I want to grow crops again."

"Of course you do. You want to raise healthy soybean plants to sell in order to prove to a judge that you can care for Malcolm."

Guy smiled at how well James knew him. "Well, you are mostly correct. But...I don't think I want to grow soybeans anymore."

"Oh?" James turned around, questions in his eyes. This was one thing he had not expected.

"Yeah. I was kind of thinking a great way to make a new start here would be to try my hand at a new type of crop. And I'd have you to help me of course."

"That sounds like a lovely idea," James said, pouring the tea just as the whistling of the kettle started up.

"You really think so?" Guy asked, unsure. "I thought it might be kind of futile."

James rolled his eyes and set a large mug of steaming tea in front of Guy. "Drink your tea," James told him. "Then we can discuss what crop you want to plant."

Smiling, Guy wrapped his hands around the mug to warm them, and thought of the way James was just like this mug. So full of warmth and strength which Guy was lucky enough to take in on occasion to give him the energy he needed so desperately.



Chapter 19

"What about onions?"

"Onions?" Guy asked, crinkling his nose in a displeased way, "Why onions?"

James shrugged. "I don't know. Because they remind me of you."

Guy frowned. "Please explain how a smelly vegetable reminds you of me."

"Don't be so touchy Guy," James chastised.

Guy bit his lip. "Fine. I'm sorry."

James smiled. He could never resist the way Guy pouted like a small child. "Alright, I'll tell you how. Onions are layered. On the outside they are bitter, but on the inside they are sweet and delicious. You are exactly like that. Outwardly you don't seem to have a lot of appeal as far as personality goes, but if someone were to take the time to really get to know you they'd see what a truly sweet person you are."

Guy looked James in the eyes, clearly full of appreciation. "It means so much to me that you think that."

James placed one hand over one of Guy's and stroked it lightly with his thumb. "I'm glad." He leaned back in his chair, knowing that Guy liked his space and that he would sometimes get uncomfortable with intimate moments like this one. "Now what are we going to do about this crop situation?"

"What about tomatoes? Tomatoes could be nice."

James tapped his fingers on the table. "I don't know. My mother used to grow tomatoes sometimes. The bugs would usually destroy most of them."

Guy shrugged. "I'm sure that wouldn't be much of a problem, if we used the proper chemicals. But we don't have to grow those, if you don't want to."

"It's not that I don't want to, I just feel like what we grow should be sort of special. Special to you, or special to us."

Guy rubbed his chin. "I see what you mean. But I don't know of anything like that."

James smiled sheepishly. "Neither do I." He leaned forward just enough so that he could rest one elbow on the table, his hand cradling his right cheek. His other hand tapped sporadically on the hard wooden surface. His face was so intense, so full of concentration, Guy felt he had to look away. He felt like a glance in James' direction would be equivalent to glancing into his deepest thoughts. They were something Guy had always wanted to be able to know, but would never dare ask about.

James shifted in his chair, and suddenly his eyes lit up with the all too familiar spark that Guy could always recognize without fail. He had come up with something that tickled his fancy.

But Guy was surprised and more than a little frustrated when James did not instantly blurt out the thought like he usually did, and instead kept silent, with nothing but a small smile to explain what he was thinking.

Guy tried to hide his curiosity. But he couldn't stop wondering. Was it an idea? A past experience? A memory he was fond of? The questions ate away at Guy, and he had to bite his lip to keep from asking them. So hard, in fact, that he drew blood. "Ow" he said, without meaning to.

James looked at him suspiciously. "What is it?" he asked.

"Nothing....I just cut my lip."

James started at Guy a long time. "So what are trying to refrain from saying?" he finally asked.

Guy frowned. "Okay....you caught me. I was trying not to mention it, because I didn't want to be intrusive. But now that you ask...I just have to say it. What were you thinking about just now? I just have to know. It looked like it was something great."

James smiled lovingly at Guy. "That's not intrusive at all. I was going to tell you anyways. But I thought it would sound kind of lame," he admitted.

Guy laughed. "We both sound like idiotic teenagers right now."

"You're right," James agreed, laughing too.

"Okay...now tell me what you were thinking," Guy told James, more than a hint of childlike impatience in his tone which James thought was sweet.

"I was just reminiscing. I started thinking about the gardens my mother used to plant. With the exception of those damn tomatoes, everything she planted flourished. She was always full of knowledge about the various foods and flowers she planted. It all came from my grandmother. She was basically an expert." He looked straight at Guy then. "She told me some of what she knew, too. I don't remember most of it. Gardening never seemed particularly interesting to me."

He locked eyes with Guy. "But there is one thing I remember clearly. One evening she was cutting up something I had never seen before. I asked her what it was. She told me it was a vegetable called a beet. And she told me beets were special. Obviously, I wanted to know why. She said that they were unique because their leaves were shaped like hearts. She told me how my grandfather had no money for a ring, so he proposed to her with a beet. It should have sounded ridiculous to me, but instead I thought it was romantic."

"That's incredibly sweet James. You thought I'd think it was lame?"

James blushed. "Well, yeah. It sounds so cheesy, like some stupid movie."

"I used to think those kinds of movies were stupid, but I don't anymore. Because every day I am with you I feel like I am living in one; it just feels to good to be real. And yet it is. And it is the farthest thing from stupid. It's beautiful and amazing and simply perfect."

James let out a nervous little laugh. "Well I'm glad, because I don't think it's stupid either. I just thought you would. And that makes me so much less afraid to say this...I think we should grow beets. For the cheesiness alone."

Guy didn't hesitate even for a moment. "Yes. That sounds perfect," he said.



Chapter 20

Guy sat at the kitchen table, intently studying the manual he had purchased earlier in the week. He wasn't really absorbing any of the information, though. He saw the words there, but they didn't really register with him. He was nervous.; fearful of screwing up.

He heard the squeak of the thick wooden door's hinges and looked up from the book. Evening sunlight crept in through the cracks of the door, casting a warm glow on the man who stood there. James idled just inside the doorway, standing tall and looking pleased with himself.

"How was your trip to town?" Guy asked, smiling to mask his worry with the manual.

"I went to the local farmer's market in the square."

Guy raised one eyebrow, not quite sure where James was going with this. "And how was that?"

James smiled widely at him. "It went very well." He walked over to where Guy sat. "You can throw that old thing out now," James said with a casual wave of his hand.

"Why?" Guy asked suspiciously. He closed the book and held it to his chest protectively.

"Because it's old and we don't need it."

Guy frowned. "Then how else do you expect me to learn this stuff?"

James grinned again. Guy could feel himself getting angry, as he often did when confronted with situations he did not understand, but he controlled it and allowed James to explain. "The real thing. We don't need some ancient manual from a second-hand bookstore."

"The...real thing?" Guy asked slowly, still not quite understanding.

"Yeah, as in an actual human being with actual knowledge on crops."

Guy's eyes widened a little and he gripped the book a little tighter. "Are you sure? They...know things about this stuff?"

"Yes, I'm sure," James said, laughing. He tipped Guy's chin up with his thumb.

"She was a very nice woman who just took over her father's beet farm. She learned straight from him. I spoke with her. It sounds as though she knows quite a lot. And she agreed to have us over tomorrow afternoon to explain the basics. So don't look so worried."

He kissed Guy lightly on the lips. "So are you ready to put down that old thing now?" he asked, gesturing towards the book Guy still clutched.

"Fine." He tossed it onto the table. "But I could've figured it out myself," he grumbled.

James laughed quietly and wrapped his arms loosely around Guy's neck, letting them rest on his shoulders. "You've been staring at that manual for days. And you've been so concerned with mastering it that you haven't learned a single thing."

"It almost scares me that you know that."

"Oh come on, you had this frown on your face every time you looked at it. I knew there had to be a better way." He kissed him again, this time on the cheek. "I don't like to see you so worried," he whispered.

"Thanks," Guy replied, managing a small smile. "You did find a better way. I just hope I am smart enough to retain anything of what she says," he mused.
James rolled his eyes. "You are a natural born farmer. You will learn everything like...that." He snapped his fingers.

Guy could no longer resist. He stood up and gave James a forceful hug. He buried his head in James's chest and inhaled. "You don't know how glad I am that you are home. That book really was driving me crazy."

"Could you show me how glad you are?" James suggested slyly.

"Always," Guy said with a genuine smile.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Are you almost ready?" James called from the kitchen.

Guy groaned loudly. "I don't think I will ever be ready."

"Give the mirror a break and leave your hair alone. It looks fine."

"Fine? Just Fine? Fine isn't good enough James." But he reluctantly turned from the mirror and walked out of the bedroom and into the kitchen, where he was met by a plate of food.

"Eat," James ordered. "I told Karen, that's her name, that we'd be there by ten."

Guy looked horror stricken by the time, but sat down to force some food down his throat. "Thank you for this," he said between mouthfuls. "It's nice to have someone tell me what to do when I get like this. I am just so nervous," he admitted.

James sat across from him, chewing thoughtfully on a piece of toast. "I cannot fathom what on earth you are so worried about. All we are doing is visiting a fellow farmer and obtaining a bit of knowledge from a friendly chat. Just.......think of it like visiting a neighbor. In the rural sense of the word, she is one anyways. Just a few miles away from here."

"I know," Guy said. "I just...I am worried that she will take one look at me and tell me I am not cut out for farming."

James frowned and his eyes became serious. "Don't be ridiculous. You are a highly qualified and capable farmer. If anyone tries to tell you otherwise.....I'll punch them a lot harder than I ever punched you."

Guy laughed, but grimaced at the memory. "There is certainly no arguing with that logic. Anyone would think twice about what they said after a hit from you."

And Guy knew it was true; there was no argument there. One look at James's determined face told him that James would punch him square in the face if it meant getting his point across. It gave Guy a good feeling to know that James was this adamant about defending his reputation and lifestyle.

Filled with new found confidence, Guy stood hurriedly and grabbed his jacket. "I'm ready to go now," he said cheerfully. James laughed, and grabbing a piece of toast, followed Guy out the door.

The drive wasn't long and soon they were pulling into the long , gravel coated driveway in front of a nice looking farmhouse. It was painted a nice shade of blue, which seemed to have been mixed especially to match the sky.

A woman stood on the porch. James turned to Guy. "You still ready? You're not going to implode or something?"

"Haha, very funny," Guy countered. "Yes, I am still ready. Let's go."

They exchanged smiles and walked the remaining distance up to the porch to speak with the woman.



Chapter 21

They stopped a couple of feet from her. Guy felt the familiar anxious feeling begin to build up inside him again and he instinctively slipped his hand into James'. Instantly the warmth of his skin relaxed him and he knew he knew he could handle this.

James squeezed Guy's hand lightly and struck up a conversation. "Hi, Karen. Thank you so much for agreeing to teach us a little something of what you know."

"No problem," she said warmly. "You both seem like nice men. And by the way, who's this one, hmm?"

"I'm Guy," he told her. "Nice to meet you." He reached out with his free hand to shake one of hers.

"Nice to meet you too," she replied. Her eyes shifted downwards from Guy's eyes to about waist level, obviously noticing one of James' and Guy's hands clasped tightly together.

"So you two are together then?" she asked.

Guy thought there was something odd about the way she asked the question, but when James replied in the affirmative, she smiled widely. So Guy told himself he was being ridiculous and pushed away those thoughts quickly from his mind.

"Well, you two don't have to stand there all day," she told them. "Please do come inside. I already started the kettle; the water should be boiling soon. I'll make you both some tea and we can have a little chat."

She turned from them and headed into the house. Her long, reddish-brown hair flipped as she turned, and her bright blue flowered sundress swished around her knees. Both James and Guy were impressed by the confidence she seemed to have. And they both had a newly strengthen faith that she could teach them all they needed to know.

"You can have a seat right at the table," she told them as they followed her into the kitchen, conveniently just as the kettle began to whistle. It was a nice kitchen, spacious and airy. A lot of light shone in through a large window above the deep-basined sink.

"In case you were wondering," she said busied herself making the tea, "I don't exactly dress in this way on a regular basis. Imagine how difficult it would be to do farm work in a dress, and keep it clean at the same time?"

She turned around and placed a steaming mug of tea in front of each man. The she rolled her eyes. "I suppose you wouldn't understand. You farming men would wear the same clothes out in the fields as you would to a wedding."

"Hey...," Guy said suddenly, for some reason feeling a bit offended, "James used to dress very nicely. He was a rich businessman when I met him. The first time I saw him he was wearing some fancy expensive suit."

James laughed. "It's okay, Guy. I don't mind. I much prefer to dress in jeans anyways. They're a lot more comfortable."

Karen gave James a quizzical look. "You used to be a businessman but you decided to give that up for farming?"

"Not exactly for that. I gave it up just because I wanted to. I have never liked the upper class lifestyle. And I gave it up for Guy. Because even if being a businessman had been my favorite thing in the world, I would have given it all away just to be with him."

"Oh, I see," she replied distractedly. She seemed to have lost interest.

Guy blushed at the kind words and thanked James quietly, all the while trying to keep away thoughts about Karen that kept sneaking into his head. He knew he didn't have a reason for it, but there was just something about her he didn't quite like. Or maybe just something he didn't trust. But a glance at James told him that he was completely comfortable with her, so Guy wrote off his concerns as paranoia.

"Well," Karen finally said, breaking the silence between them that had crept up unexpectedly, "enough of this idle chatter. Let's talk beets, shall we?" Both men nodded in earnest agreement. "Okay. I'll tell you all the basics."

And she did. Both James and Guy concentrated carefully on her words. But Guy was paying extra close attention. James glanced over at him a few times and notice the way his eyes shone with a determination he had never seen in him before, as if it were his civil duty to remember every bit of the information like his own personal mantra.

His intense expression couldn't help but produce a goofy smile on James' face by the time Karen was finished explaining things to them. James found it inspiring to see Guy so intensely focused on a goal. It stirred up something in James, moving him to want to return home immediately and begin putting Karen's words into practice.

Never before had he had such a desire to do work. Nothing he did in the business world even vaguely interested him. It just made him want to crawl into bed and sleep off his intense boredom. This feeling was so different, so unlike what he was accustomed to, that he almost allowed a giddy laugh to escape from his mouth.

"Thanks so much," he told Karen enthusiastically. "I really appreciate you taking the time to do this." he reached out to shake her hand.

She gave him a small smile. "Thank you," she replied. "But it was nothing. I never have anything much to do when I am not working on the farm, anyways."

Guy spoke up quietly. "Yes, thank you. This was very helpful to me." He pursed his lips together, and James could tell that he was thinking something over. "But in all honesty," he said, I am not very sure of my abilities yet. There are a lot of aspects of beet farming that are different than what I am accustomed to."

"You'll be fine," she assured him. "I could tell you were eating up every word I said."

"All the same...I still want to at least ask....do you think you could drop by our farm? See how we are doing? make sure everything checks out? If you aren't too busy of course."

James rolled his eyes but had to smile at what a perfectionist Guy was when it came to farming. It was so clearly his passion. "I would be happy too," was Karen's reply, with a smile so big that Guy actually felt fearful. But when he met James' admiring eye, he relaxed. As long as James was around, everything would be okay.



Chapter 22

Weeks passed. Guy and James toiled for hours in the ever strengthening heat of the sun as spring turned to summer, caring for the beet plants. With Karen's help, they had learned everything from the correct distance each seed must be from another to the best times of day for watering to being able to distinguish which plants would be the best simply by inspecting their leaves.

It wasn't long before both James and Guy knew beets as well as they knew each other. They could tell when a plant needed more water or less sun. They knew if it was diseased and whether or not the plant would have to be removed to prevent the sickness from spreading to other plants.

And Karen was almost always around to give suggestions or reminders or even just encouragement. She visited the farm almost every day. Guy was used to having her around, and all of his previous suspicions about her had long since dissolved.

As strange as it was for Guy to think about, he realized that Karen had become a friend to both him and James. Or at least a regular part of their lives. Her presence along with the overwhelming success the beets had been having with growing, as emphasized by Karen every day now, since it was nearing harvest season, left Guy feeling more content than he had in a long time.

Because of these new feelings of calm, Guy found his relationship with James to be growing even stronger. Mornings were very busy times for them. But every evening once they stumbled into the house aching but feeling satisfied, they would sit down and have a long chat over some tea.

Or on particularly grueling work days, they might decide to share a hot shower together. To Guy, nothing was more stress-relieving than feeling the warmth of a shower's warm spray combined with the warmth of James's bare skin on his own. And it was on one of these summer nights that Guy decided he was ready for the next step.

"James," he whispered, his voice barely audible over the rushing noise of the water, "I have been doing some thinking."

"What about, love?" James asked, his hands tightly on Guy's waist.

"We've been doing well. The farm has, I mean. The beets are growing nicely. Harvest time is only a couple of weeks away, and Karen says they will surely turn a nice profit. So I think....I think it's finally time."

"Mmm," James mumbled. He was much more interested in the bare, yet to be kissed skin of Guy than what Guy was actually saying. His lips eagerly made contact with the smooth skin on his neck and slowly made their way down, being sure not to miss an inch.

Guy felt dizzy and momentarily lost track of all thoughts but one-how good James's lips felt on his skin. But he forced himself to snap out of the daze. He pushed James away. "No," he told him, "You're not even listening to me."

"I'm listening..." James drifted off, too caught up in the moment. Viscerally, he leaned back towards Guy, putting his mouth on his neck once more and nibbling just a bit this time. "I know you like this," he growled, in the seductive way that he knew never failed to attack Guy's attention.

Guy took a deep breath. It took all his strength not to kneel in front of James right then. But he really wanted to have this talk. He ran one hand through his wet hair. "No..." he said, more to himself than to James. He turned the water off.

"Hey..." James protested. He sounded confused, and then after a few seconds he looked hurt. His expression and his eyes hardened almost to the point of anger. It was his natural reaction to feeling wounded.

Guy quickly calmed him down. "You didn't do anything wrong. I want you, trust me I do. But we need to talk. And I can't focus on anything when you are all over me like that."

"Okay," James said. "I am sorry. We can talk now."

Guy just looked at James for a moment. "I think we should get dressed first," he said quietly.

"Why?" James asked, winking playfully. "I much prefer it like this."

"Because when I see you like that, dripping wet and naked just inches away from me, all I can think about is how much I want to fuck you."

James laughed heartily. "Okay, I see your point. I'll go get my clothes." Once fully dressed, the two sat on the edge of their bed. "Alright," James said, "I am ready to hear what you have to say now."

Guy looked at James with an expression he had never seen before. "Like I said, the crops are doing well and should give us a good amount of money. So have been thinking....I want to try and get Malcolm back now. It's been about a year since we've met, and I know this will be a lot to handle, but..." he choked on his words.

"What?" James asked tenderly, stroking Guy's face and wiping off a tear.

"I really need him James." He took a deep breath and forced back any more tears that threatened to fall.

"I know you don't know him. I know you've never even met him. I know kids are a big responsibility. I know that adding him to our life will mean less time that we get to spend together. And I know I should care about all of that stuff. But I don't. I just want him here, with me. Or at the very least, I just want to see him again. It's been so long James. It feels like an eternity."

"Shut up Guy."

"Wha...what?"

"I said shut the hell up so I can tell you that I support this all the way."

"Really?" Guy asked, sounding very much like an innocent young child.

"Absolutely. We can get start figuring things out tomorrow."

Guy smiled. The innocence left him then. He kissed James with a burning passion, the force of it causing James to fall back on the bed with Guy on top of him. "I'm going to finish what I didn't finish before in the shower," he whispered.

"Good," James replied hungrily.

"But first one thing," Guy said. "I love you."

"I love you too," James told him. "Not let me show you just how much."


Chapter 23

"The first thing we need is a lawyer," Guy told James. "Write that down."

James rolled his eyes. "I'm not making a list. But you are right. We do need a lawyer. And I know a great one. We used to be good friends. Well, he thought we were anyways. I never considered anyone in that city to be any more than a good acquaintance. But, to make a long story short, he'd do just about anything for me."

"Oooh, I am so glad I know someone with all these connections," Guy joked.

James grinned smugly. The happy-go-lucky mood between them faded after that; they knew this was a serious thing. "If I remember correctly, today is his long day at the office. So I think I'll go into the city this morning and talk with him." He thought for a moment longer. "If you can handle doing the morning work on your own today. The sun's already almost up."

"I can handle it," Guy said instantly.

"Okay then it's settled." He turned his head towards Guy's. "I'll see you this evening. Don't burn the house down while I'm gone."

Guy gave a short laugh. "Well, I don't think much of anything is going to happen if I don't get out of bed."

- - - - - - - -

The full sun was clearly visible in the eastern sky once Guy finally finished the work of both him and James. He wearily made his way back to the house to try and rest up as much as he could before he had to do the rest of the work in the evening.

As he stepped onto the porch he frowned. The door was open slightly. He thought that was strange. He was sure he had closed it. He didn't really expect any trouble, but all the same he entered cautiously, ready to defend himself if need be.

There was no danger, but Guy was a little shocked to see Karen sitting at the table when he entered. And he knew she must have noticed, because she looked like she was trying hard not to laugh.

"Shut up," he told her, not really serious. "I didn't exactly expect another person to be here."

She looked around. "Well I did. Where is James this morning?"

"Oh, he's in the city meeting with a lawyer. We're looking into to finally getting Malcolm back."

She just stared blankly at him. Guy began to feel uncomfortable. He suddenly had a flashback to the day he had first met Karen. He had had the same odd feelings about her back then as he did right now. But tried to forget about them, as he had done before.

"You know....my son," he continued. He crossed his arms. "I know I've told you this story before." After another few seconds of silence, he finally threw up his hands in frustration. "What's the problem!?" he asked angrily.

"Sorry," she finally said quietly. "I was just trying to figure out just what it is you see in him."

"What?"

"You honestly think it will be beneficial for Malcolm to have two fathers and no mother?"

"James will make a great father for Malcolm," Guy growled.

"But he will never be a mother, will he?"

"That doesn't matter," Guy told her. He sounded calm, but inside he was boiling over. He could hardly believe what he was hearing.

"But it does."

Guy clenched his fists and tired to restrain himself. "Then who do you suggest would be appropriate?" he said between clenched teeth, his tone dripping with sarcasm.
G
uy thought he heard her laugh, as if the answer were obvious. "You could try considering the woman sitting right in front of you."

Guy couldn't think of a single thing to say to that. All the thoughts running through his mind involved violence and destruction. All his muscles were tensed. His jaw felt like it would crack due to the pressure that Guy was putting on it, clenching his teeth so hard that they were probably getting worn down.

Hearing nothing from Guy's end, Karen continued right on as if they were having a normal conversation. "Why do you think I keep on coming here? At first I was just trying to help out a nice man. But then I learned that he was with another, even nicer man, one who had a son that he wanted to get custody of. And I just had to do something. The opportunity finally arose and today and I had to take it. I am just trying to help you, Guy. I want you to be happy, and your son too."

"Get out."

Guy's voice was so low, Karen thought she might have imagined that he spoke at all. "What?" she asked.

"Get out," he repeated.

She stood up. "Don't be insulted Guy. It doesn't have to be me. It could be any woman really. Anything is better than that poor man you stumbled upon. He's a business man. He doesn't belong out here. He isn't like us."

"I said.....get the fuck out of my house right now. And do not ever come back. I don't want to see your face on my property...no, on our property ever again."

"Fine," she said. "But your loss." And she causally walked out the door, never to walk in again.

As soon as the door shut, one of the kitchen chairs hit he back of it. Guy realized a couple of seconds later that he had thrown it. He stared at his hands. They were shaking. He collapsed into the chair that he hadn't chucked across the room. He had never so strongly regretted ignoring his first impressions of a person. Because apparently, the consequences involved a massive desire to strangle someone and an even more massive headache.

He quickly stood up, picked up the chair he threw, and looked out the kitchen window. It was still too early to start the evening work, but he didn't care. He had to do something to get rid of the passionate anger he was full of. And since he had twice as much work to do, he decided to start it anyway.



Chapter 24

Guy had barely sat down after returning from the fields when the door opened and James walked in, a grin plastered onto his face. Guy immediately jumped up and went over to him. They locked eyes for just a moment, then Guy reached out and hugged James as though he hadn't seen him in months. He pulled him in close so that they could feel each other's chests rising and falling with each breath they took. Moving his hands from James's waist to wrap them around his neck, he kissed him passionately.

He was unwilling to let go, and when he finally did, he had to laugh. James's face was one of complete shock."What was that about? Not that I didn't like it, because I did, but...." he drifted off, feeling himself blush.

Guy chuckled. "I just wanted you to know that I love you, and I appreciate everything you do for me. One thing being your apparent success in the city today, because you walked in with a huge grin on your face."

"Aww...I was hoping to surprise you," James replied, pretending to pout. "Were you hoping to surprise me too?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I was just wondering when you were planning on telling me why you are so upset."

Guy couldn't believe that James could tell anything had happened at all. And Guy felt weak just thinking about what had occurred that afternoon. He began to shake, and although he movement was very slight, James still seemed to notice.

"Something really bad must have happened. You don't look well at all. Sit down...and please tell me."

Guy just sat on the floor right by where he stood, against the wall. James sat beside him, looking very worried. Guy took a few deep breaths. He had to tell the person he loved most in the world how someone who was supposedly his friend just wrote him off as though he were meaningless.

"I came back from the morning work and Karen was here. And she told me....she basically said that I should leave you for her, or some other chick, because it wouldn't be good for Malcolm to have two fathers." He sat back, letting his head rest against the wall. He closed his eyes for a few seconds.

"So what happened?" James asked.

Guy's eyes flew open. "I told the little bitch to get the fuck out of our house! She's never coming back here again, never! Not after what she did! She insulted you, she can't insult you, she can't!"

"Shhhh," James said. He grabbed a hold of one of Guy's hands and squeezed it tight. "You're yelling. It's okay now. It's all over."

"I'm sorry," Guy said. "It's just that I cannot bear to hear anyone say things like that about you, right to my own face. She could have said whatever she wanted about me. I wouldn't have cared. But not about you...not about you..." he drifted off, and just gazed at James with eyes full of passion and love. "You know, I got so crazy when she was saying those things James. For a while I couldn't even speak, I was so furious. I was afraid I might do something I regretted. It took all my strength..."

"Well, it's okay now," James told him. "It's all okay. Because she's not going to be coming back ever again. Who cares what she thinks anyway?"

Guy allowed a tiny smile onto his face. "You know something? You are right. It's not even worth getting angry about. Because we know how things are between us. We know how we feel about each other, and we know that Malcolm will be safe and happy here. You know James, I don't know if you've ever noticed this but we have such a good relationship with each other. I feel like our bond grows stronger every day. And Malcolm is surely going to notice that. Because, honestly, I never really had that with Julie."

"Yeah," James replied. He sounded like he was deep in thought but he didn't say anything more in response.

Guy frowned, but he didn't ask James what he was thinking about. He was too tired to make it much of a concern at the moment. The extra work combined with the emotional turmoil he had been through had left him thoroughly exhausted. He was debating whether or not to leave James's side to go to bed, when the decision was made for him. He yawned without meaning too.

"Alright, I think it's time for you to go to bed now Guy," James chastised.

"I'm fine," Guy lied. "It's nice to just be here with you."

James chuckled. "You will never learn, will you? You can't lie to me, Guy. I can tell you are basically asleep sitting up right now." He kissed him lightly on the cheek.

"You've had a rough day. I don't want you to overdo it. I already feel bad for leaving you to do all the work. I'm not going to let you pass out right here on the floor."

"Don't feel bad," Guy said. "I am so glad you did that for me. By the way, we never really talked about that. How did it go?"

"It went well, he said he'd represent us."

"That's all?"

"Nope, but I'm not letting you get away with what I know you are attempting. You're not going to trick me into having a conversation. Go to bed."

Guy couldn't resist smiling. "Okay, I'll go to bed. I am very tried," he admitted. "But it won't be easy to sleep without you."

"I'll probably join you soon," James told him.

Once Guy went to bed, James continued to sit around, thinking about the day's events. It was true, his friend had agreed to represent them. It was a good thing. Something that should have made him feel happy. And he had felt that way.

But as much as he hated to admit it, what Guy had told him Karen had said really got to him. He was beginning to wonder if she might be right. He didn't know anything about being a parent. Malcolm would surely recognize that. Malcolm deserved the best, just like Guy did.

The problem was, James was beginning to think that he might not be good enough for them. He stood and crept quietly into their bedroom. Guy was sprawled out on top of the blanket, sound asleep. James new it was ridiculous, but he felt a little hurt.

"I guess you don't need me so much after all," he whispered sadly.


Chapter 25

The crops had been harvested. All went well, surprisingly well. Guy thought it was a good crop, but he didn't expect things to go so smoothly. He figured there'd be a problem with the shipping, or that the demand for beets might have gone down since last season. But everything went off without a hitch, much to his relief.

"We made good money," Guy told James excitedly as they returned from town one evening.

"I know, it's great to hear," James replied, smiling as best he could. It was weeks later, but he was still thinking about the things Karen had said. He knew he wasn't being rational. He had figured he would have gotten over it by now. But the words still burned in his head.

Burned really was the most appropriate word. Because it wasn't always so bad. Sometimes James could go a whole day without thinking about those words at all. But then Guy would say something and it would remind him of them again, and the pain would flare up with a vengeance.

Now was one of these times. James knew the reason Guy was so happy about the money they had made with the crops, and it had nothing to do with shiny new things. James took a deep breath as Guy began to talk about the dreaded subject.

"James," Guy said, the serious look in his eyes telling James everything he needed to know before Guy even finished his sentence, "I think it's time I visited Malcolm. I was too embarrassed before, and I didn't want him to see me before there was some hope of getting him back. And now that hope is there. Al said that everything was looking great with the case, right? That we had a very good chance of winning?"

"Yes, he said that," James replied, concentrating more on ensuring his voice didn't crack than what he was actually saying. This was quickly becoming too much for him.
Whenever Guy spoke of Malcolm there was so much love in his voice, and it just made James feel more and more like he would never be able to be as good of a father as that. He was sure he'd disappoint Guy by never really connecting with Malcolm, and disappointing Guy was one of the things he feared most in the world.

"So you think it's a good idea then?"

"Do I think what's a good idea?" James asked distractedly, having been abruptly pulled from his thoughts by Guy's question.

Guy frowned. "Do you think it's a good idea for me to finally visit Malcolm?"

"Oh...yeah. Definitely." He nodded and tried to sound as convincing as possible. He really did think it was a good idea. A great idea, in fact. He could hardly imagine how much happier Guy would likely be after he finally saw Malcolm again.

"Okay...what's wrong?" Guy asked. James flinched. He had tried so hard to keep his feelings to himself. And the fact that Guy sounded more worried than irritated was even worse. James thought he deserved anger, but certainly not concern.

"Nothing," James told him.

"I don't believe you."

"Really, it's nothing. I promise." He smiled as genuinely as he could, as the pain he felt inside grew worse. Now he wasn't just pathetic. He was a pathetic liar.

"You look a little pale," Guy noted, his eyebrows pulling together in the special frown he only used when he was truly worried.

James sighed and rolled his eyes, trying as best as he could to show Guy that all was normal. "I'm fine," he told Guy.

"I'm going to call Julie about Malcolm. You go lay in bed and rest. I'm going to make you some tea."

"You don't have-"

"I want to," Guy insisted. "Now go."

"Fine."

Guy watched him go and the guilt he had been hiding crept into his eyes. He felt like he had to be extra kind to James right now. He was being gracious and loving enough to allow a child he had never met and barely knew, beyond what Guy had to told him, into his life all for Guy's sake. Guy thought the least he could do was make sure he treated James right.

------

"So.....how'd it go?" James asked, as Guy slid into bed beside him, sitting up and leaning against the headboard. He slipped a cup of tea into James's hand, and James in turn sat up beside him.

"It went...well...it went, at least," Guy replied awkwardly. "I remembered her number, so that was good." He laughed nervously. "And she seemed, much to my
surprise, quite willing to let me see Malcolm. I'm going to visit him tomorrow."

"Awww...that's really great," James replied. He kissed Guy's hair. "You smell great...like...like a father."

"I have no idea what that is supposed to mean," Guy told him, "but thank you."

"You're welcome....neither do I. I just wanted to make you feel good."

Guy smiled. "That reminds me, are you feeling any better?"

"I was never feeling bad. But, now that I'm in bed next to you with the tea you made me, I'm feeling better than I was five minutes ago."

"Will you be alright being on your own for a while tomorrow? I don't think I'll be gone for too long But I don't want you to get lonely in this house all by yourself."

"Guy, as much as I love your presence here, I think I can handle a day by myself. I want you to take as much time with Malcolm as you need. You earned it. You deserve it. And you need to have it. You both do. He's your son, and you're his father. You've missed out on too much bonding already."

"Yeah....we have," Guy said, sighing sadly. "He turned to look James in the eyes.

"Thank you for being so understanding. You have always been like that with me. It's one of the reasons I love you."

"Oh? And how many reasons are there in total?" James raising his eyebrow in a playful gesture.

"Too many to count," Guy mumbled, suddenly feeling drowsy. He rested his head on James's shoulder. "How about you?"

"About the same," James said, smiling down at him lovingly. "Or probably even more," he whispered. But Guy was already asleep. "Yeah," he said to just himself "I am sure I could think of at least one more."




Chapter 26

The following evening, Guy returned to a thoroughly clean house. James had scrubbed, dusted, and polished every visible surface. He was sitting lazily in the only upholstered chair they owned. It was heavily cushioned and seemed to swallow up James's thin frame.

Guy didn't even notice him sitting there until he jumped up suddenly. "Take your boots off," he commanded. "Do you know how long it took me to get this floor to look clean?"

He tried his hardest to give Guy a stern look, but he just ended up grinning instead. "Awww honey," Guy joked, "I'm so glad to have a woman like you around." He laughed at his own joke and embraced James warmly.

"You should be glad you have someone around to help you. This place would be a dump by now if it weren't for me."

"I know. Thank you. I mean that," Guy replied with sincerity.

"I know you do. I wanted to get all the chores out of the way so we could chat for a while. Now tell me, how was it?"

Guy absentmindedly began to take off his boots as he told James about the meeting. "It was really great," he told James. "He....he knew who I was. Right away. He ran right up to me." His eyes shown with a combination of delight and tears. "He hugged me."

James was smiling before he knew it. Just picturing the scene in his head filled him with unexplainable levels of joy. To imagine Guy's certain euphoria during the reunion was almost ore than he could bear. He felt his own eyes tear up a bit. He knew nothing could ever compare to seeing the one you loved most be so happy.

"Come here," James told him. He led Guy to the chair and sat down, playfully pulling Guy on top of him. Guy kissed him then shifted so he was sitting on James's lap.
Somewhere in their minds they both recognized the ridiculousness of what they were doing, but neither of them particularly cared and were content to carry on conversing in this way.

"I'm really happy for you, " James said.

"I'm shocked he still remembers me."

"Of course he remembers you. You're his father. And besides, I don't see how anyone could know you and forget you. I know I never could. Most of the time I find it difficult to think of anything but you."

Guy smiled thoughtfully. "He grew a lot. His hair's longer now. And his eyes....he looks so smart. I'm proud of him."

"He must have your eyes then," James mused with a smile.

Guy blushed and turned his head away from James's gaze. "We talked for a while. He told me about school. He says he doesn't have any friends. That kind of worried me. He told me his dog was his best friend. That was kind of sweet."

"And what did you say to him?"

"I told him I never really had any friends when I was in school either. And then I told him about you."

James shifted nervously in the chair. "What did....what'd you tell him?"

"I told him that you are my best friend. And I told him that eventually I realized it had turned into something much more. He asked me if I loved you. I told him that I did, very much. And he smiled at that."

James looked visibly relieved. But that quickly turned to worry when Guy continued speaking. He spoke quietly, but looked James straight in the eye. His own eyes sparkled as he spoke, the thought giving him almost too much joy to bear. "He told me he wants to meet you."

James stared at him blankly. He didn't know what to say. He knew what Guy wanted to hear. But he couldn't make himself say the words. Because he was still scared. He couldn't imagine ever developing a relationship with Malcolm anywhere close to what Malcolm shared with Guy.

"I don't know," James told him weakly. "I think it might be a little...weird."

"It won't be weird at all, I promise. Besides, you'll have to meet at some point. So why not now? Well, not now. But next week. That's when I arranged with Julie to visit Malcolm again."

"Maybe," James said. "I'm sorry, but that's the best I can do right now. It's still a little awkward for me."

Guy sighed and stood, stretching. "I understand."

He sounded disappointed, and it made James cringe inwardly to hear that tone in his voice. He spent the following week focused on nothing but trying to overcome his irrational fears. But the more he tried, the worse they became. All he seemed to be able to do was conjure up scenarios where he would let both Malcolm and Guy down.

Nighttime was the worst. As he lay beside Guy in bed, trying desperately to sleep, all he could hear was the sound of Guy's steady breathing and feel the warmth of his slender, fragile body so close to his own. And he could think of nothing but the way he would feel if he were to lay in bed without Guy beside him.

By this point, he had already convinced himself that any attempt he made to bond with Malcolm would turn out disastrous. He thought up extreme circumstances where Guy would be angry with him, and take Malcolm and leave, never to return. Or kick him out, leaving him nothing but the pathetic, empty shell of a life he once had.
His thoughts were out of control. In a week had had developed a terrible case of insomnia, and by the morning of the meeting, James felt like he was completely out of options. So when Guy asked him the dreaded question that morning, he lied. He stayed in bed that morning. He told Guy he wasn't feeling very well. Guy frowned, instantly worried.

"I'll stay here then," he said, full of concern.

"No," James told him. "Go. I'll be alright."

Guy finally relented, albeit reluctantly, and left giving James a goodbye kiss on the cheek.

At first, James hadn't technically lied. He wasn't feeling well at all, though it was more of a mental and emotional kind of sickness than a physical one. But he had thrown away the truth when he told Guy he'd be alright. He hadn't known it at the time, but he would be far from alright that day.



Chapter 27

Guy returned later that day with a bounce in his step. His normally dark eyes were very light and they shone brightly. Things had gone very well again. It was starting to feel as though he and Malcolm had never been apart. But all of his joy melted away instantly when he realized that James was still in bed.

The house was quiet and James was not there to greet him. He practically ran to the bedroom, and threw open the door, where James lay in bed, his eyes closed, looking sickly pale. Guy's stomach flipped and his thoughts instantly turned to the worst scenarios. But the sudden entrance produced a reaction from James, albeit a small one. He opened his eyes and Guy worriedly met his gaze.

He quickly crossed the room and kneeled at the bedside. He was more terrified than worried now. The thought of something happening to James, something he might not be able to fix, brought Guy such fear that he could do nothing but stare at him.

"Why do you look so damn worried?" James asked, rubbing his temples.

Guy was shocked at the nastiness of James's tone. He wanted to lash out. he felt the anger building up inside of him, no doubt due to the lack of understating he had on the situation. he bit his lip and turned away from James until he could regain his composure.

"What's wrong?" he finally asked. "I look worried because I want to know to know what the hell is wrong with you." He spoke slowly, doing his best to focus on his concern rather than his anger as a result of that concern.

"What do you mean?" James asked, with no real emotion in his voice.

Guy's eyes widened. "James, you look extremely pale. It's obvious you haven't left this bed all day. How can you even ask me that? Do you think I am stupid?"

He stood up, and walked angrily to the nearby window, which he stared out of for a few seconds before stalking back to the bed. He sighed with frustration and ran both hands through his hair. "You know, I can just tell something is really wrong. You've been different for the past couple of weeks. I know you have. But I didn't want to say anything about it. I figured you'd bring it up if it was really that important. But apparently, I was wrong."

He said the last line with a lot less anger and a lot more sadness. The mere thought that James might believe he couldn't come to Guy with his problems was almost too much too much for Guy to bear. He irritably sighed again and rubbed his face, trying to inconspicuously wipe away a couple of tears that had managed to escape his eyes. He felt so helpless. James had problems, and Guy was apparently unequipped to solve them.

But James noticed, even in the apparent haze he was currently in. "I'm sorry. You misunderstand me though. The reason I never brought it up was because it was important. I was afraid it would turn into a big thing. I was...no...I still am afraid that we might not be able to get past it."

Guy kneeled down again, so close that he could feel James's breath on his face. "Well, you're going to have to tell me anyways if you ever want to find out. Not sit the hell up....no..stand. You need to get out of this bed already."

James was so surprised by Guy's take-control attitude that he did just as Guy said without hesitation. Soon they were facing each other in the middle of the room.
"Fine," James said. "I will tell you. But you'll hate me for this."

"Never," Guy said, his tone expressing his sincerity without him having to actually make it known through words.

James swallowed nervously. "You remember when Karen said....those things he said....about me?"

"Of course I do," Guy said, his eyes flashing with anger as he recalled the words she had spoken many weeks ago.

"Well, I got to thinking about it. I tried not to, but I couldn't stop. I kept asking myself 'What if she's right? What if I could never connect to Malcolm?' And eventually I didn't wonder any more. I just assumed that she was right, and that I'd never be able to bond with him. And I....I was so scared. I still am. I am so very afraid that I will let you both down, and you'll have no choice but to leave because of my incompetence."

Guy looked at James. He saw the fear in his eyes. He saw the insecurity on his face. He saw the paleness of his cheeks. He saw the shaking of his hands. And he saw the lack of confidence in his stance. James had, in some way, cracked. His spirit had been shattered.

Guy remembered a time when he had felt much the same way. He had been lifeless and without hope. In those days, he had had just wandered through each day, moving on because he felt he had to. He could see that James must feel much the same way right now, like a useless soul.

And then he recalled a time when all that had disappeared, carried away as quickly as a strong wind carries away dust. It had been lifted from him and removed in the form of a rebuttal; a punch in the face in return for a punch in the face.

This moment had been so pivotal in Guy's life that he knew he could never forget it, even if he had wanted to. The memory was just as big a part of him as his own arms were. He figured everyone deserved a moment like that. He didn't know if one thing could work for everyone. But there was only one way he knew how to create such an experience. So he figured he'd at least give it a try. So, without giving it any further thought than that, he simply followed his instincts and punched James square in the face.



Chapter 28

James rocked a little on his heels. He looked at Guy. Guy stared right back at him. He lifted a hand and wiped the tiny amount of blood that trickled from his nose. Guy saw a million emotions flash in his eyes. His eyes sparked. He seemed to have settled on what to feel.

And then Guy saw it. The smile. Though it was tiny, it was clearly visible. It seemed to completely overshadow James's other features. It was a smile that said everything. James remembered what had happened all those months ago, and he knew just why things had happened in the way they had right now.

"Are you okay?" Guy asked. He smiled widely; he couldn't help himself.

"I'm better now than I was five minutes ago, as ironic as that is." He chuckled lightly. "You never change, Guy. I mean, you have changed, but the core parts of you, the good parts, they haven't gone away in all the time I've known you."

"I do believe that the fact that you say what I did was a good thing is one of the reasons why I love you."

"You're always good intentioned with your fists," James retorted, grinning. He sat back down on the edge of the bed, and motioned for Guy to do the same. "I feel a lot better now, honestly." He rubbed Guy's back. "I should have told you how I was feeling. You are the most understanding man I know."

"It's alright. I'm just glad you did tell me."

"But I still am worried," James admitted, moving away from Guy and clutching the bedside with both hands. "It's a lot to take in, a lot to handle. I don't know if I can do it. Maybe I won't even let you or Malcolm down, but I still fear I'll let myself down."

Guy sighed, but it was more of a thoughtful sigh than a frustrated one. Then he kissed James abruptly on the cheek. "Wait here, love, I think I know what you need."

"What-"

"Just stay here. I'll be right back."

Guy stood up and left the room, walking down the hall until he found the door he had been looking for. He opened it and switched on the light. A single light bulb began to burn, casting a dim yellowy glow on the closet behind the door. Despite their lack of possessions, the closet was still somehow crowded. Mostly it contained clothes that were out of season and spare tools. Guy knelt on the dusty floor and dug around a little while before his hands touched something cardboard and worn, just what he was looking for.

He pulled it out from beneath a pile of other things. It was a box, not very large, but large enough. In it were a few non-essential items that neither James nor Guy could ever bring themselves to toss. Guy quickly found what he was looking for in it.
Smiling, he held in his hands gingerly as he exited the closet and made his way to the record player sitting proudly in the main room, just as it had been in Guy's old home. He slipped the record out of its case and onto the player.

Immediately it began to play the familiar song quietly, but loud enough to fill the room with the music. Satisfied, Guy returned to the bedroom and stood in the doorway, beckoning James.

"Come on now."

James cast him a quizzical look, but did not question Guys odd behavior. He just followed Guy back down the hallway. As he entered the main room, his stomach flipped and he swore his heart stopped for a moment. It was very quiet at first, but it was distinct. There was music playing. And James knew the song well, despite not having heard it in over a year. Instinctively, he walked right up to the record player, watching the record spin around on it slowly but surely, and sat down right there to listen.

Guy sat right beside him. "Someone once told me," he said, "putting his arm around James, "that this was a song about pain, love, and overcoming trials. But most of all, it is a song about new beginnings."

He turned to look at James, and James looked right back, paying no mind the tears welling up in his dark eyes. "Having Malcolm is going to be another new beginning for us. And I just want you to know...to know that together, we can conquer this and any other new beginning we might have to make for ourselves," Guy said softly.

"Thank you," James whispered. Then he let the tears flow freely as he wrapped his arms around Guy and felt Guy's own embrace in return. he pressed his head against Guy's chest and felt his heartbeat, somehow in rhythm with the music, and finally he knew everything would be alright.

------------------------------------

Guy knocked on the apartment door lightly, but it was still heard, almost as if Julia had been waiting right outside the door. She answered the door almost instantly. "Hello Guy," she said impassively, trying to smile.

"Hey," Guy said.

"Malcolm's in his room, you can go in right now. I just told him the news. He's really happy about it, which is a relief. I was hoping he'd be pleased at least, but he seems ecstatic."

"Good to hear," Guy said. He gestured towards the man who stood nervously but patiently behind him. "This is James."

"Hello," Julia said, with no real expression on her face or emotion in her voice.
"He can sit on the couch there while I go up and speak with Malcolm, right?"

"Sure," Julia said. She was glad to abide by anything that would eventually free herself from being a main caregiver of her son.

Guy nodded then and headed for Malcolm's room. The door was closed so he knocked. "Can I come in?"

"Yep!" a small voice piped up, and Guy entered the room. Malcolm was sitting on the bed, his hands clasped neatly together, as if he had been there, just waiting, for a while now. Guy stood in front of him, put his hands on his hips, and grinned.

"Been here long?"

"Yeah like an hour!" Malcolm exclaimed.

"So I hear you're glad to come and live with James and I?"

"Yes, I can't wait. But where is James?"

"He's right in the other room, ready to meet you. Are you ready?"

"Yes!"

"Alrighty then," Guy said, grabbing Malcolm's hand. "Let's go."

James heard footsteps in the hallway, and looked up just as Guy walked in, a young boy beside him. They looked at each other, and James smiled. His eyes really were just like Guy's.

Malcolm walked up to James slowly with Guy close behind him. "Are you the one who my daddy loves?" he asked bluntly.

James smiled. "Yes, somehow I am lucky enough to be that person. And I love him too."

"Well, anyone who likes my dad is my friend. So I guess we are friends now. And I'd like to hug you, if it's all right. My dog always likes it when I hug him. That is what friends do, right?"

James fought back tears and smiled wider. "Yes, it is. And I would be glad to hug you."

They hugged and Guy watched, tears barely contained in his own eyes.

"I think this hug is missing something," Malcolm said after a few seconds. He thought for a moment. "I know!" He turned around to face Guy. "This hug is missing a person. Join us dad!"

James and Guy exchanged glances, then Guy came over and joined the warm embrace. It was a kind of warmth that spread throughout the body; the knowing that everything was just fine. All three of them could feel it, and for that reason they all looked up at each other at the same time. In all their eyes the same passion shone; the desire for a new start together. And that is just what they got.