Don't You Shiver

Chapter 1

“We should definitely keep Death and All His Friends; we should push it back later into the set. But I think Chinese Sleep Chant needs to go.”

Guy nodded his agreement. “I concur with that Will; Chinese Sleep Chant just doesn’t seem to sound right.”

“So are everyone’s feelings mutual on that?”

“Mmhmm” uttered Jonny and Chris simultaneously.

“Good. We’ve got a concrete set list then.”

“Well, there is one mater I’d like to address.”

“What is it Chris?”

“I think we should replace Chinese Sleep Chant with something instead of just eliminating a song altogether.”

Will rubbed his chin. “That is something worth considering. But I’m just not sure what song we would use as a replacement.”

“Rainy Day?” suggested Jonny.

“No, I don’t think that would fit.”

“We should do Shiver,” Chris said firmly. He stole a glance at Guy.

“Hmm, that could work.” Will thought for a moment. “Yes I could certainly see that. It would fit in nicely with the rest of the list.”

“It’s alright with me,” Jonny added.

“What about you Guy?” questioned Will.

“I don’t think it’s such a good idea,” he mumbled.

“Why not? We haven’t played it in a while, and it fits in well with everything else we’ve got.”

Even though it was Will who had spoken, Guy stared directly at Chris. “No,” he said coldly, “just no.”

Will sighed in frustration. “At least give a reason!”

“I said NO. Why should it matter why? One veto and we don’t do it right? So end of discussion. We’re not playing Shiver.” The way he said “Shiver” made it sound like some deadly disease. Guy stood swiftly and left the room.

“What’s gotten into him?”

Jonny shrugged. Chris just stared at his feet. This was going to be a very difficult tour, he could feel it.


Outside the Bakery, Guy felt the cool air on his face and he began to calm down. He pulled out a cigarette and lit up. He wanted to kick himself. He had thought he was getting better at this, better at forgetting the past. But when Chris had suggested Shiver, so bluntly like that, he lost lost it. He couldn’t stand the fact that Chris had the ability to toy with his emotions that way.

He sighed. He knew it wasn’t really Chris’s fault. It was his own damn messed up head that was really to blame. But what could he do about it? He couldn’t help the way things were. And they weren’t about to change any time soon as far as he could tell. He heaved another sigh. He had no idea how he was going to make it through this tour with his sanity. Or what was left of it, that is.

* * * * * * * * * * *

Chris sat alone at the piano. Will and Jonny had left early. There wasn’t all that much to do. They were going on tour in a week; it’s not as if there was any urgent need to work on new songs. But Chris could feel a melody inside him, itching to get out. He did not, however, have the strength to reach for it. He had no particular urge to do anything lately. Thoughts of Guy consumed him constantly. And lately those thoughts were defining his actions.

He thought back to earlier that day; he hadn’t meant to get Guy so upset. Deep in his mind however were thoughts of vengeance. He wanted to get back at Guy. Get back at him for making him love him. Get back at him for breaking his heart. And he hated himself for it. How could he have such cruel feelings towards a man whom he also loved above all else? He slammed his hands down hard on the piano keys. The loud, echoing, off-key sound was satisfying. It matched the sorry tune his heart was playing.


Chapter 2

Guy was ready for sound check. He had been ready for half an hour. So had everyone else for that matter. Well everyone besides Chris, who was the cause of the delay.

But Guy hardly minded his absence. Every time he saw Chris he would see those sad blue eyes, no longer twinkling as they used to so many years ago. It made his heart ache to see him like that.

He had thought the pain would dissipate over time, or at least get easier to bear, but it hadn’t in the slightest. Every day was as bad as the last, if not worse. But this, he supposed, would be nothing like the painful ridicule he would have to bear were he to return that blue-eyed stare back to its former glory.

Yes, he knew exactly how to fix Chris’s wounded emotional state. The solution was oh so simple. But the consequences would be horrific. Or at least that’s what he had been assuming all this time.

Fear overshadowed him and kept him from thinking of the much more positive and quite honestly, highly probable alternative. He resurfaced from the fog of his thoughts to Chris’s exclamations of apology.

“Sorry, so sorry! I didn’t mean to be so late, I overslept! Sorry!”

Guy rolled his eyes. Chris seemed to think that he owed everyone perfection. He turned his glance down towards his sneakers, remembering a time when Chris hadn’t been this way at all. At one point he had been confidant, sure, and very bold. All qualities that Guy had been immediately attracted to when Jonny first introduced Chris to him back in college.

He quickly reached for his beer. No, he wouldn’t think of that. He couldn’t do it, it hurt too much. “You ready?” It took a moment for Guy to realize that Will was talking to him. “Yeah,” he mumbled, quickly standing and shifting his guitar strap to the proper position.

They played through their whole set, twice. Everyone was a bit nervous; this was the first show of the tour. Chris especially was very tense, and he shifted about back and forth in front of the microphone, clearing his throat after every song. Jonny and Will looked at each other, sensing Chris’s uneasiness. Jonny mouthed something to Will, and Will nodded.

“Chris, I think that’s enough. It sounds great,” he said in a tone that was meant to be reassuring. “Why don’t we wrap things up today with a quick little jam session? Chris, you can choose the song. Anything you want.”

Chris knew he shouldn’t say it, but he just had to. He had to make sure Guy knew that at every moment Chris was still thinking of him, still hurting because of him. He gave Guy a hard stare. “I want to play Shiver.”

Guy could feel Chris’s eyes upon him, critical, cruel, and so very hurt.

“This again?” Will questioned.

“Yes,” Chris replied stubbornly.

“Guy, is it alright if we play it, just for sound check?” Will raised one eyebrow speculatively. “If you’re over whatever ordeal you were going through earlier?”

Guy shrugged and bowed his head, relenting. He wanted to make a scene, but he knew that if he continued to behave in this fashion he’d start raising questions. The last thing he wanted was to be treated like a suspect being interrogated; a blinding spotlight in his eyes with all focus on him. So he simply stared at his bass, fingers positioned to play.

Will started up a beat, and Jonny and Chris struck out the first chords. Already it hurt. As Guy’s fingers moved about the strings on his bass, the motions memorized from long ago, he could practically feel his chest aching.

He moved in a graceful rhythm, trying to meld with the music. Maybe then he would be able to handle it. But as soon as Chris’s voice hit the first notes Guy could feel himself falling apart inside.

So I look in your direction, but you pay me no attention-do you?

Chris paused for a brief moment then looked straight at Guy as he sung “do you?” as loud and clear as he could manage.

You know how much I need you, but you never even see me-do you?

Again Guy could feel Chris’s piercing glare on him. His internal structure collapsed. The rest of the band, as well as a few remaining from the sound crew who were ambling about, exchanged astonished looks as they heard the loud clambering of the bass instrument hitting the ground. They followed Guy with their eyes as he stole away as fast as he could without breaking into a sprint.

“What the hell?” Will turned to give Chris a solid stare. “Do you know anything about this Chris?”

Chris examined his feet before reluctantly giving an answer. “I might…..but I don’t see how that is your business.”

“Chris, be reasonable. Will is only trying to understand,” Jonny replied evenly.

Exasperated, Chris retorted “Well I would tell you but it is not up to me! I would tell you in a heartbeat, but Guy does not wish for anybody to know. If you want your answers you must speak with him.”

Will nodded and stood. Jonny watched him leave the stage and did not have to ask where he was going. Chris watched him go and then sat down on the stage, wrapping his arms around his legs. Jonny had never seen Chris’s face look so solemn, and he wondered just what it was that could be affecting him so terribly.


Chapter 3

Guy wasn’t hard to find. Will knew where he would be. He knocked on the dressing room door but did not wait for a reply before entering. Guy was sitting on a collapsible table at the far end of the room, holding his camera in his hands as many would hold an infant.

“What are you doing in here?”

“Just taking a few photos….the light is interesting here.” Guy tried to keep his voice level but Will was not fooled.

“Cut the crap Guy. I want to know what’s been bugging you these past few days.” Guy just stared at the wall. “Look man, I can see that you’re upset. I really think that it would be best if you talked about it.” Guy followed a small crack in the wall with his eyes.

“Guy.” Will was really serious now. “Does this have anything to do with Chris?” Guy was surprised to find that the crack was longer than he thought; it went all the way to the ceiling. Will let out a frustrated sigh.

“Alright fine. Be this way if you choose. But just remember you are hurting more than yourself. We will all suffer if you cannot pull yourself together.” He turned to walk away. Suddenly he felt a pull on his sleeve. He turned to see the saddest face he had ever seen. Guy’s expression was a pitiful mix of pain, devastation, and vulnerability than Will had never seen in him before.

“What’s wr-“ Will was interrupted by Guy’s stricken tone of voice. “It does. It does have something to do with Chris.” Will stood sat next to Guy and patiently waited for him to get his bearings.

“It has…..everything to do with him.” Will waited for him to continue, but he simply returned to staring at the wall.

“Guy, you need to tell me what is going on. I cannot sit here and pull suppositions out of the air.” Guy still said nothing. “I want to help you Guy, I really do. But you are acting ridiculously.” Will got up to leave again, but Guy stopped him.

“What is with you?”

“Please……just stay here.” His eyes were filed with such desperation that Will couldn’t have left if he wanted to. So he sat there and shared in the silence.

A while later, though neither of them knew how much time had passed, Guy spoke.

“Will, I am very sorry. I am sorry to you, and to Jonny, and to everyone else for the way I have been behaving lately. But none of that compares to the apologies I owe to Chris.”

“What is this about?” Guy stared at the ground and nervously swung his legs back and forth. “It is….hard to explain. I do not know if I can."

Will gave him a quizzical look. “Err what I mean is that I do not know if I have the…..courage.” He swallowed anxiously. Will laid a hand on Guy’s shoulder. Softly he replied, “Guy you can tell me anything. Anything at all. I am your friend. I won’t judge you, I won’t hurt you, and I certainly won’t hate you. You know that don’t you?” Guy still looked apprehensive; even fearful.

“Listen to me Guy. You can trust me; there is nothing to fear. If it makes you feel any better at all, I promise you that all you say will be confidential. I will never tell a soul.” Will thought he saw Guy smile a little.

He sighed and sat up a little straighter. “Okay,” he replied quietly. “I will tell you.” He turned suddenly and grabbed Will’s shoulder, and Will saw that there was indeed real fear in his eyes. “But you must promise me, promise me, that you will not tell anyone. Not anyone!”

“Settle down,” Will said calmly, giving a small smile. “I have already promised you that.”

“That is true, I’m sorry.” This time Will knew what he saw on Guy’s face was a smile.

“Forgive me Will. But you must understand, I had made a vow to myself long ago that I would never tell this to anyone.” Will simply nodded. “And until recently, I thought I could keep that vow. But lately I am realizing that…..I cannot keep these things inside. So hear me out, please. But I warn you, this is a lengthy tale to tell.”

“I don’t mind.” Guy smiled again, looking reassured. “Thank you.”


Chapter 4

Guy took a deep breath and began to tell Will the long story that resulted in his and Chris's misery.

"Chris and I...we first met back in college when Jonny introduced us."

"Yes I know that much."

"Sorry. But it's relevant."

Will closed his mouth quickly. He didn't want to discourage Guy from speaking.

"So..." He cleared his throat nervously. "When we first met we were....instantly..." His eyes darted around the room as if he believed someone was hiding in the shadows, listening in. "...attracted to each other." He said this in a tone that was hardly even audible enough to be called a whisper.

Will was quite a bit surprised to hear this, but he kept a straight face. Guy looked at Will for along moment, clearly expecting some sort of dramatic reaction. He visibly relaxed when he didn't get one, and continued on with more confidence.

"As soon as we could manage, we began hooking up. It was Chris who made the first move. The night after we met, he knocked on the door of my dorm. He told me, quite bluntly, that he was attracted to me. And he wanted to know if I felt the same way. I told him that I did, but that I didn't want to act on those feelings." Guy smiled, reminiscing.

"But that didn't stop Chris. He asked to hang out, just as friends. I agreed; I must admit I was fully taken in by his charm. I ordered pizza and we watched a bunch of old movies." For a moment Guy was surprised that he could remember all of this with such detail. But upon second thought he knew that it was no real surprise, as he spent the majority of his hours thinking about Chris and the life they once shared; replaying every moment.

"And then, after about the fifth movie, I must've started to drift off because I awoke to Chris kissing my head, which was resting on his shoulder. I think my face was completely shocked. Chris told me later that I had looked like a deer in headlights." Guy chuckled at this little memory.

"I sat up and looked at him, fully intending to put him in his place. Somehow I ended up kissing him back instead. On the lips though. And well....things progressed from there." He blushed and fidgeted with his camera. Will nodded his understanding. He actually felt like smiling; he thought Guy and Chris together was actually quite sweet.

Guy coughed nervously, trying to hide his face. "After....that night, we agreed to start dating-but I had one condition. I told Chris I wanted absolute secrecy; I didn't want anyone to know about us. He promised he wouldn't tell a soul, even though I could see it hurt him that I felt the need to hide. But that's the kind of person Chris is; willing to do anything for those he cares about. I think it was mainly for this reason that I grew....to love him."

Guy's expression turned to one of regret. "I never told him though. I can hardly believe I am telling you. But he told me. Less than a month after that first night, he told me he loved me. I wanted to say the same, but...I just couldn't make myself do it. I was afraid Will. Afraid of being stuck in a commitment like...that."

" 'That?' "

"Yeah....you know...with a guy and a guy..." Guy sighed in frustration. "It was such an odd concept to me! I had never had those kind of feelings for a guy before. I didn't know how to handle it. Which is probably why after six months I broke it off." Guy mumbled the last part; he sounded ashamed. Now Will was visibly surprised.

"I see." He wanted to say more, but he was trying to watch his words. There would be plenty of time for him to play counselor after Guy was done getting everything off his chest.

"It was very difficult for Chris. He took it...very hard. But he didn't question me. He didn't get mad at me and start yelling, he didn't vow not to speak to me ever again. What he did was much worse. He...he blamed...himself. Completely. He told me he was sorry that he could not satisfy me properly. And he told me..." Guy nearly choked on his words. "He told me that he hoped I would find someone who could make me happy. I had to make him understand. I couldn't let him put this on himself. So I told him the truth. I had too."

"And the truth is?"

"The truth is that I was scared. Scared of people...and what they would think, if they ever found out about...." Guy broke off. He felt sudden tears in his eyes, but he fought them back.

"And Chris....he was, at this point, quite visibly upset. He tried to tell me that there was nothing to fear; we could make it through together, but I wouldn't listen. I just wouldn't listen. I was too afraid. I am too afraid. Even now Will, I'm terrified."

He couldn't hold back the tears any more, and before he knew it he was crying into Will's shoulder. Will sat there and let him. Guy cried until he could not cry any longer if he had wanted to.


Chapter 5

When Guy had finally calmed down a bit, Will determined that it was the correct time to speak. He spoke softly, reassuringly at first. He didn't want to sound critical.

"It's going to be okay Guy."

"No it isn't," retorted Guy miserably.

"You can work this out you know." Guy just stared off into space, his eyes hazy with emotional exhaustion. Will let him be and returned to sitting in silence until Guy cleared throat.

"Umm, there is a bit more to this story. Sorry I got carried away before. I had buried those memories so long ago.....I didn't realize it would hurt so much to uncover them. I mean, I have recalled them before, but not in real perspective; just more as an onlooker really."

"I alright, I understand. If you want to tell me the rest, I'd be more than willing to listen."

Guy tried to smile, but he no longer had the energy. Instead he just continued where he had left off. "Chris was very gentlemanly about the entire breakup. But he was, and is, a naturally diligent person. He gives me constant, fervent reminders, though they are subtle, that he will be ready and waiting when I decide to put my fears behind me. He gives me his best efforts."

"How do you mean?" Will wondered.

"Shiver.....he wrote that about me, for me. I'm not being conceited, he told me so. He poured out his heart and soul in that song. When he told me about it, the first night he showed it to us, he took me aside later on. And he told me that he had spent three weeks working on it, and that it was made especially for me."

He swallowed hard, and fought off more tears that he didn't even know he had in him. "And so....every chance he gets, he reminds me. He reminds me that he would protect me from my fears, if only I would let him."

"That sounds like an excellent idea."

Guy's expression was one of torture. "No, you don't understand. Chris thinks he can protect me from this, but there is nothing he can do."

"But Guy-"

"The ridicule Will, the ridicule! Do you know what that would be like? What I would have to deal with? And not just me either; the entire band would have to bear the brunt of it. Especially Chris," he added quietly. "This is just not something I can deal with right now."

"I think you are overreacting to this. People aren't going to care who you choose to be in a relationship with. And if they do, so what? I certainly won't mind having to deal with a little extra ridicule for the sake of my best friend's happiness. I know that Jonny won't mind either. And certainly Chris isn't worried about that."

"That's because he doesn't understand!" Guy responded with exasperation. He frowned and shook his head. "And I don't think that you do either." He stood up and headed for the door. He paused for a moment, then turned round to face Will again.

"Listen Will," he said, his expression softening. "Thank you for this. I really appreciate you letting me throw all my shit on you for a bit. I feel better now that I've told someone. But I've come to accept the fact that Chris and I....we were never meant to be." His dark eyes were clouded with scores of emotions. "And I can live with that. I will be content with it. I have to be, because this is the way things must be." With that he turned sharply on his heels and left the small room.

Will let out a frustrated sigh. Guy could be stubborn as a mule and single-minded when he chose to be.


Chapter 6

Will walked slowly back to the stage. He didn't expect anyone to still be there, but Chris and Jonny were sitting towards the front, whispering to each other. Will cleared his throat and they looked up.

"Chris, Guy told me everything. I think he is being ridiculous. I'm going to go find him and smack some sense into him."

Chris jumped up with lightning speed, his eyes burning with determination. "No! I mean, let me go find him please. I am shocked that he finally found the courage to tell even you. And now I need to speak to him." He spoke this last words with an air of finality.

"Of course," Will replied. Chris started to jog, but quickly burst into a near sprint. He would not let Guy get away this time. He would speak with him before he could retreat back into his shell again. Chris knew he didn't have much time. Soon Guy's courage would be worn down by his paranoia. His thoughts were interrupted when he collided with someone.

"Jesus Christ what are you doing man?"

Chris realized who that someone was. "Guy!" he practically shouted.

"Chris?" His anger subsided completely when he realized who he was speaking to. Instead it was replaced by horrible feelings of apprehension and guilt combined. The feelings he always carried inside whenever Chris was near. But now they were closer to the surface than ever before.

"Will told me you had gone off somewhere, so I went running to look for you. I really need to talk to you."

"There is nothing to say." Guy's face was completely expressionless. It was either that or have another breakdown.

"Guy, there is everything to say. I cannot bear any longer this pain. The pain of avoiding you and pretending like nothing is wrong. And most of all, I am tired of dropping nothing but achingly subtle hints as to my feelings on this. I am tired of playing defense."

"So what do you want to say then?"

"I want to tell you....that I think you made good progress today, telling Will about us. And before you lose all that courage you found, I want to tell you one final time that we can make it through it all together. Any criticism we receive, we can easily combat. Because we will have each other to lean on."

He moved closer to Guy, causing the thin man to press himself against the side of the narrow hallway. Guy thought he might still be speaking, but all he could focus on was that beautifully sculpted face just inches away from his own. He had a sudden strong, almost urgent desire to press that face up against his own. He felt his breathing quicken. His hands were clammy and sweat was beginning to form around the nape of his neck.

He wanted to....so badly. Just to feel how his body felt one more time. And he might have given in too, if one of the stage crew hadn't at that moment appeared in the hallway, lugging some sort of equipment. Guy quickly shoved Chris away from him. The man gave them an odd look, but kept walking.

"Do you see why?" Guy whispered in frustration. "That look he gave us -"

"Was just a look. And despite popular belief, looks cannot kill a person. Unless you are Will. But you told him about us, and he was fine with it wasn't he?"

"There is an immeasurable distance between a friend and a million or so fans."

"You're right, there is. Your friends matter and the fans don't. It doesn't matter what they think about us. Are you really going to deny yourself true happiness just for the ignorant opinions of people you haven't even met?"

"I'm sorry Chris," Guy whispered sorrowfully, "but it matters."

Chris watched in agony as Guy pushed away from him and continued to walk on. But unbeknownst to him, Guy was in just as much agony.

He did not know what to do. He was prisoner to his own fear. The only thing he believed he could to was not to resist it. If he tried to fight back, the consequences would be worse than anything he felt now. Or so he thought.

He hurried quickly to the hotel they were staying at. He needed a calm place to think.


Chapter 7
In his hotel room, Guy was laying on his bed and staring up at the ceiling. He wished he had his record player with him. He figured a time like this called for some Joy Division. But instead of hearing the beautiful sorrow-filled singing of Lou Reed, John Cale, or Dug Yule, all he had were his thoughts.

And there were so many of them. They circled around and around inside of his head. His mind was a battlefield, but neither side was winning. It was World War I at the western front all over again.

Exhausted by this, Guy drifted off into a restless sleep. He dreamed of many things, most of them unsubstantial. Just bits and pieces of this or that. These did not stay with him long and he forgot them even before he awoke. But there was one recurring vision in his head.

It was of a man; a poor, ragged man. He was in a cage and he looked miserable. The view switched suddenly, and now Guy was inside the cage looking out. There was a crowd of people, all laughing and quite happy together.

Music started up from somewhere and suddenly the people in the room were paired off with another person. They all danced as couples and each couple looked supremely happy. The man called out to be set free, to be included in this dance. But he would receive only one answer.

"You are the one with the key." Frustrated, the man let out a cry.

Guy awoke suddenly and found that he was the one who was crying out. His shirt was soaked in sweat, and he was shivering. It was the worst dream he had ever had. More accurately, it was a nightmare. But now he knew what he had to do.

* * * * * * * * * * *

The crowd was loud and enthusiastic. They bounced up and down to the faster numbers and swayed back and forth to the slower ones. They sung at just the right times, whenever Chris commanded it and even sometimes even when he did not.

In a strange way, they were preparing Guy for what he was about to do. It was as if they were all making all the noise they could to encourage him. Or maybe to just numb his brain and keep him from thinking long enough for him to actually go through with this.

Chris sung the ending bars of "Lost!" and then they all prepared to walk out to the c-stage. Before he had time to back down, Guy marched up to his microphone. He coughed into it, and thousands of eyes looked at him in wonder of what was going to happen next. A few people whispered to each other, no doubt saying that this is not what usually happened. Chris, Jonny, and Will raised their eyebrows in question.

"Before we...uh....go to the c-stage, I'd like to say something very quickly. Chris, come over here...please." Chris shot him a "what are you doing?" glance but walked obediently to the left side of the stage.

"Before we continue I would just like to say one thing about Chris, because I cannot contain it all to myself any longer. I....am in love with him....and have been for a very long time. And I no longer care who knows it." He started out quietly but his voice slowly grew in volume until he was practically shouting. He then reached over and grabbed a surprised Chris, kissing him hard on the lips.

The crowd was silent, but after a few torturous moments they burst out cheering. There was the occasional call of "fag", but Guy didn't pay any mind to it. He was staring at the man of his dreams, who stood there open-mouthed and blushing. But he managed to whisper an "I love you too" before Guy grabbed his hand and dragged him off to the c-stage.

* * * * * * * * * * *

The hotel room was dark, but Guy could still make out the beautiful profile of the man sleeping peacefully next to him. It was very late, nearly dawn. But Guy didn't mind, despite that fact that they had to catch their plane that morning. He had to catch up on all he had been missing for ten years or so. He couldn't possibly sleep for sheer joy, so he laid in bed and thought.

Sure, he knew that things would not always be easy for them. But ironically, everything seemed twice as easy now than when he had concealed the relationship. He stroked Chris's hair lovingly.

If Guy had been able to make it a decade or so without the warmth of Chris next to him in bed every night, then he felt he could certainly make it through anything. Besides, now they had each other to lean on, and that was all they needed.



THE END